two fish are arguing are in a pub. they decide to settle it outside.

they both got battered!

a chicken and an egg are laying in bed after having sex.

the chicken is smoking a cigarette and turns to the egg and says

" well, i guess we know the answer to that question "

Ouch!

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

Q: what is it called when a blonde person dyes their hair brunette?

A: artificial intelligence !

Q: how long are the fingers on the refurbished statue of liberty in NY harbor?

A: 11 inches. if they were 12 inches, they would be a foot

http://www.wilstar.com/attractions/wonders-of-the-world/modern-wonders/the-statue-of-liberty/

A drunken lady leapt into a taxi stark naked.  Sachin, the Indian taxi driver made no attempt to drive off.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"

Epicure you are on FIRE today !!!!!