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Friday Funny 12 hours early [for Jeffrey and Phoebe]

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"

The text you are quoting:

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"


sheila cNov 27, 2014 @ 12:09
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Re: Friday Funny 12 hours early [for Jeffrey and Phoebe]
Post 1

Careful Sheila - all the Liverpudlians will be after you !!

The text you are quoting:

Careful Sheila - all the Liverpudlians will be after you !!


Jeffery S, Nov 27, 2014 @ 15:29
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Re: Friday Funny 12 hours early [for Jeffrey and Phoebe]
Post 2

I have a little Satnav,


It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav,
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.


(by Pam Ayres)


 


 


Special thanks to Ritchie who read above straight without falling asleep Laughing

The text you are quoting:

I have a little Satnav,


It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav,
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.


(by Pam Ayres)


 


 


Special thanks to Ritchie who read above straight without falling asleep Laughing


alfi K, Nov 27, 2014 @ 16:06
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Re: Friday Funny 12 hours early [for Jeffrey and Phoebe]
Post 3

I have a little Satnav,

It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav,
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.


(by Pam Ayres)

 

 

Special thanks to Ritchie who read above straight without falling asleep Laughing


Nov 27, 14 16:06

I was too busy laughing.


R.

The text you are quoting:

I was too busy laughing.


R.


Ritchie, Nov 27, 2014 @ 17:21
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Re: Friday Funny 12 hours early [for Jeffrey and Phoebe]
Post 4

A devout jackeroo was fixing fences and when he finished for the day he noticed he had lost his bible.


Some week passed and one day a horse walked up to him with a bible in its mouth.


The jackeroo took the bible from the horse’s mouth and looking up to heaven said “It’s a miracle”!


“Not really” said the horse “your name is on the inside cover”

The text you are quoting:

A devout jackeroo was fixing fences and when he finished for the day he noticed he had lost his bible.


Some week passed and one day a horse walked up to him with a bible in its mouth.


The jackeroo took the bible from the horse’s mouth and looking up to heaven said “It’s a miracle”!


“Not really” said the horse “your name is on the inside cover”


Jeffery S, Nov 28, 2014 @ 16:08
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Re: Friday Funny 12 hours early [for Jeffrey and Phoebe]
Post 5

Three couples want to join a church, but the pastor has a rule that all new members must go three weeks without having sex.


Three weeks go by and the first couple comes back. The pastor says, "So how did it go?"


"It was pretty hard, but we made it," says the first couple.


"Well, welcome to our church," says the pastor.


The second couple comes back and the pastor asks them the same question. Their reply is the same as the first couple's.


The third couple comes back and the pastor asks them the same question, and the husband replies, "Well, we were doing pretty well until yesterday when she bent over to pick up that can of pork and beans she had just dropped. Overcome with desire, I just took her from behind doggie style."


"Well, I'm sorry, but you're not welcome to our church," says the pastor.


"That's okay," says the third couple, "We're moving. We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

The text you are quoting:

Three couples want to join a church, but the pastor has a rule that all new members must go three weeks without having sex.


Three weeks go by and the first couple comes back. The pastor says, "So how did it go?"


"It was pretty hard, but we made it," says the first couple.


"Well, welcome to our church," says the pastor.


The second couple comes back and the pastor asks them the same question. Their reply is the same as the first couple's.


The third couple comes back and the pastor asks them the same question, and the husband replies, "Well, we were doing pretty well until yesterday when she bent over to pick up that can of pork and beans she had just dropped. Overcome with desire, I just took her from behind doggie style."


"Well, I'm sorry, but you're not welcome to our church," says the pastor.


"That's okay," says the third couple, "We're moving. We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."


Casuistik, Nov 28, 2014 @ 18:08
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Re: Friday Funny 12 hours early [for Jeffrey and Phoebe]
Post 6

Small gun saves further expenses. Watch your words long before...


 


Florida Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below outside of Fort Lauderdale in alligator alley with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.

She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took... The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was incredible."


 


Well !  Aint this a good lesson to start moderate our talks ultimately when considering breaking apart ? Better believe it

The text you are quoting:

Small gun saves further expenses. Watch your words long before...


 


Florida Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below outside of Fort Lauderdale in alligator alley with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.

She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took... The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was incredible."


 


Well !  Aint this a good lesson to start moderate our talks ultimately when considering breaking apart ? Better believe it


Milord, Nov 28, 2014 @ 18:34
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Re: Friday Funny 12 hours early [for Jeffrey and Phoebe]
Post 7

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.


Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.


John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

The text you are quoting:

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.


Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.


John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


Milord, Nov 28, 2014 @ 19:01
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Re: Friday Funny 12 hours early [for Jeffrey and Phoebe]
Post 8

I know... probably going to hell for posting this one...


 



The text you are quoting:

I know... probably going to hell for posting this one...


 


Casuistik, Nov 29, 2014 @ 16:53
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Re: Friday Funny 12 hours early [for Jeffrey and Phoebe]
Post 9

Yep got it...but it is supposed to be Friday funny.....just that I am not laughing at this particular one.

The text you are quoting:

Yep got it...but it is supposed to be Friday funny.....just that I am not laughing at this particular one.


Jeffery S, Nov 29, 2014 @ 22:57
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