A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " 
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" 
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 

"I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

no because hes very heavy ..... babooom

I was queueing at an ATM and an old lady asked me if I could help her to check her balance.  So I pushed her over.

Just had to add this one ... soooo funny

Little boy asks his dad where does "Poo" come from? Dad explains food passes through the esophagus to the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentry canal to extract protein before waste product descends via the colon and rectum to emerge as "POO". Blimey says the little boy, so where the hell does Tigger come from?

what's the worst way to greet a karate instructor?

"hiya!"

you are really one of a kind 

Q .What do you call a Fish without an eye ? 

A. Fsh.....

Q what do you call a deer with no legs 

A. Still 

Q What do you call a Deer with no legs and no Eyes... 

A. Still no idea ... 

Q what do you call a bee with no ears

A. B

ok ill stop now ;)

what do you call a fly with no wings?

a walk