woody allen talking about an experience when he was preparing for playing the role of jesus by method acting for a week-

"i was driving to manhattan when someone rear-ended me at a red light. So i got out of the car, and forgave him" 

G___, Jun 18, 2013 @ 08:51

"Go heaven for climate, hell for company"

hassel lee, Jun 18, 2013 @ 09:02

They say it's smart not to believe more than half what you hear. But which half?

 

Dorothy W, Jun 18, 2013 @ 09:27

Perhaps a little off topic but clever none the less..

THESE GLORIOUS INSULTS ARE FROM AN ERA BEFORE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE BECAME BOILED
DOWN TO 4-LETTER WORDS.
"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about
Ernest Hemingway)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." George Bernard
Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Count Talleyrand·
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder·
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho

Jeffery S, Jun 18, 2013 @ 16:04

These are not funny quotes but having a nice humor in it. You have done pretty nice work.

hassel lee, Jun 19, 2013 @ 07:59

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often"

By "Oliver Herford"

hassel lee, Jun 19, 2013 @ 08:11

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

Casuistik, Jun 19, 2013 @ 08:46

"I may be drunk, miss, but in the morning i will be sober and you will still be ugly"

Winston Churchill

G___, Jun 19, 2013 @ 08:55

Tina M, Jun 19, 2013 @ 09:12

You always sympathize with the underdog, except when the other dog is yours.

Charlie, Jun 19, 2013 @ 10:44

 

Bill Cosby : 
“Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.”

Charlie, Jun 19, 2013 @ 10:48

If a woman insists on being adressed as "Ms."

Ask her if it stands for "miserable"....

Charlie, Jun 19, 2013 @ 10:50

Oh this is soooo true :) 

Karl N, Jun 19, 2013 @ 14:24

"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height"

By "Casey Stengel"

hassel lee, Jun 20, 2013 @ 07:50

Andy C, Jun 20, 2013 @ 11:29

Andy C, Jun 20, 2013 @ 11:39

"My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me"
By "Winston Churchill"

hassel lee, Jun 21, 2013 @ 07:36

Andy C, Jun 21, 2013 @ 10:35

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations at a large US Corporation. 

(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig." 

(2) "His men would follow him anywhere...but only out of morbid curiosity." 

(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed." 

(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'." 

(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 

(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 

(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 

(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 

(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 

(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 

(11) "This employee should go far...and the sooner he starts, the better." 

G___, Jun 21, 2013 @ 12:49

My son Max, 8 years old at the time.

Me: "Let's play Memory, sweetie!"

Max: "I forgot how to play Memory."

 

Eva D, Jun 21, 2013 @ 13:27

Son: I am hungry.
Daddy: Hallo hungry, I am Daddy.
Son: I am angry.
Daddy: Nein, you are hungry.
Son: Do you think so, you are funny?
Daddy: No, I am Daddy.

Dorothy W, Jun 21, 2013 @ 18:15

The husband returns home from the office. He kisses his wife, then spots the cat. Horrified he asks what happened to the cats fur?

His wife replied, "You told me to shave the pussy and there it is."

Dorothy W, Jun 21, 2013 @ 18:27

A woman to Winston Churchill: 'Sir, if you were my husband I would poison your food!', Churchill answers ' Madam, if you were my wife, I would eat it'

Frederic L, Jun 21, 2013 @ 21:31

A man walks into a bar and orders five shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Bad day, huh?" "You don't even know the half of it," the man says. "I just found out my oldest son was gay." "That is rough," the bartender says and pours the man's drinks. The next day, the same man comes into the bar, sits down, and orders ten shots. "Wow!" says the bartender. "Worse day than yesterday?" The man nods and says, "Yeah, I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too." "Oh, man," the bartender says, with heartflet sympathy, "That's too bad," and he pours the man's drinks. The next day, same man comes in, sits down, and orders twenty shots. "God damn!" says the bartender. "Doesn't anybody, at your house, like women?" "Yeah," the guy says, miserably. "My wife does."

Dorothy W, Jun 21, 2013 @ 22:51

A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"

The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."

The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish."

The sister said, "Oh, ok." She took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught."

Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."

The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."

So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught."

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like that!"

Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."

Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish."

In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

"I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!"

Dorothy W, Jun 21, 2013 @ 23:30

Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

Ali G
Da Ali G Show

Arun K V, Jun 22, 2013 @ 12:27

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.Agatha Christie

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.Jay Leno

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.Mark Twain

hermes, Jun 22, 2013 @ 18:17

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

 

His wife said, “Where are you going ? ”

He said, “I’m going to the doctor. ”

And she said, “Why? Are you sick? ”

“No, he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new

Viagra pills. ”

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting

on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going? ”

She said, “I’m going to the doctor too. ”

He said, “Why? ”

She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty

old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot. ”

Dorothy W, Jun 22, 2013 @ 21:45

A man with a bad stomach complaint sees his family doctor and asks what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted into the back passage. The man agrees, although reluctantly. The doctor warns the man to expect some discomfort, and then asks him to bend over. The doctor then shoves the thing into his behind. The man experiences some minor discomfort but endures the pain. Afterwards, the doctor hands the man a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours, using rubber gloves and some KY-Jelly. Later that evening, the man tries to insert the second suppository. Sure enough, he can't reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and explains what she has to do. The wife nods and puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him. She uses her free hand to shove the medicine home. The man suddenly screams in horror. "What's the matter?" asks his wife. "Did I hurt you?" "No, but I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

Dorothy W, Jun 22, 2013 @ 21:46

One day i have to paint whole over the walls of my house n u know what i did... I paint the upper part of wall n what i did to lower u know.. I wrote'Same as above' so that half of my money will b saved.. Lol

Bikram K, Jun 22, 2013 @ 22:32

Gala G, Jun 22, 2013 @ 23:19

Ok Gala...you got me..can you translate. !!

Jeffery S, Jun 23, 2013 @ 14:01

It's a bicycle.

Michel D, Jun 23, 2013 @ 14:02

Yep - I picked that !! but what is the quote ?

Jeffery S, Jun 23, 2013 @ 14:31

Ok, guys
Gala G, Jun 23, 2013 @ 15:59

Ahh - i am quite serious...you post to a funny quotes stream and yet I am still in the dark as to what the quote is ??

Jeffery S, Jun 23, 2013 @ 16:43

'I'll kill you until you die of it.'

- unknown

Pat H, Jun 23, 2013 @ 17:54

'What colour do smurfs turn when you choke em?'

- Unkown

Pat H, Jun 23, 2013 @ 17:56

'If you drink n' drive, don't spill your beer.'

- Unkown 

Pat H, Jun 23, 2013 @ 17:58

If one day you feel useless and depressed, remember that one day you were the fastest spermatozoon of all.

It seems that a preservative is a nice political logo. It balances inflation, allows expansion, limits overproduction and provides a satisfactory feeling of security.

- Coluche

Arun K V, Jun 23, 2013 @ 18:57

Heaven is where the police are British,
the chefs Italian, the mechanics German,
the lovers French and it is all organised
by the Swiss.

Hell is where the police are German,
the chefs British, the mechanics French,
the lovers Swiss and it is all organised
by the Italians.

Dorothy W, Jun 23, 2013 @ 23:54

College is a place where a professor's lecture notes go straight to the students' lecture notes, without passing through the brains of either.

-Mark Twain.

Dorothy W, Jun 24, 2013 @ 00:09

I do appreciate your work. But try to avoid so many quotes in single reply. Quote one by one so we will enjoy each quote of yours.

hassel lee, Jun 24, 2013 @ 08:37

Oh my GOD, it is brilliant quote and i do not even need to translate it. Please give translation in english so everybody will understand.

 

hassel lee, Jun 24, 2013 @ 08:50

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it"

By "W. C. Fields"

hassel lee, Jun 24, 2013 @ 08:55

Quote of the day

"I never said most of the things I said"
  

By Yogi Berra

hassel lee, Jun 25, 2013 @ 08:05

Quote of the day

"I don't really need to be dirty to be funny"
By Jimmy Kimmel

hassel lee, Jun 27, 2013 @ 09:02

G___, Jun 27, 2013 @ 10:30

"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first."
George Carlin

hassel lee, Jun 28, 2013 @ 12:12

My son Max (Again. Honestly, the funny one-liners that one's come up with throghout the years..... Books could be written on the subject!).

Max, 5 years old, on the bus back from an all-day outdoors birthday party and picknick, in a rather dishevelled state, including with his fly wide open.

Prudish older lady, spotting above.mentioned open fly: "Maybe you should ask your mum to zip up your pants, or your willie may fall out."  

Max: "Oh, you silly lady! It couldn't do that. It's stuck to the rest of me!"

 

Eva D, Jun 28, 2013 @ 12:23

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"
Lily Tomlin

hassel lee, Jun 28, 2013 @ 12:41

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?
"None" replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away.
Well the answer is four said the teacher, but I like the way you are thinking.
Little Johnny says, I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone - which one is married?
Well said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone?
No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking...


Dorothy W, Jun 28, 2013 @ 13:02

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that was the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, draped it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 2: "What's that?"
Lady 1: "A condom."
Lady 2: "Where'd you get it?"
Lady 1: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady 2 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80ies), but asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel..."

Dorothy W, Jun 28, 2013 @ 13:08

"Some actors try to play parts and do things they can't do. Being funny is one of them. Being funny's hard"
By "Tom Sizemore"

hassel lee, Jul 1, 2013 @ 09:49

 Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't smart

Some memorable quotes....

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
(Shane Wakelin).


'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.' (Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).


'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'
(Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).


'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.'
(Barry Hall Sydney captain at training).


Brock Maclean (Melbourne ) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: 'I can't really remember the names of the clubs we went to.'


'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.'
(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).


Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals v. Day Games:
'It's basically the same, just darker.'


Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'


Barry Hall ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season:
'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'


'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'
(Dermott Brereton).


' Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'
(Mark Williams). [At least this one could have been ironic]



'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.'
(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).



'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
(Luke Darcy).



'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it, which was identical.’
(Dermott Brereton).



'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.'
(Adrian Anderson).



'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.
(Andrew Demetriou).



'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better.' (Dermott Brereton).


'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a Lifetime for that prat.' (Terry Wallace).


Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?
David Swartz: 'On what?'



'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
(Dermott Brereton).


'Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'
(Dermott Brereton).


And my favourites, from the mouth of North Melbourne’s Wayne Carey:
“Tell me, Wayne, did you get your nickname, The Duck, because of your gait?”
“No, it’s because of the way I walk.”
When Wayne was telling teammates about the house he had just bought, he was particularly proud that the kitchen featured a lot of timber in the way of cupboards and benches.
Said a teammate: “Is it in Baltic pine?”
“No, in Keilor,”
(Keilor is an outer Melbourne suburb, for benefit of interstate and overseas readers)

Jeffery S, Jul 1, 2013 @ 11:01

"When I tell people I'm a comedian they say, 'Oh, are you funny?' I say, 'No, it's not that kind of comedy."
By "Susan Sarandon"

hassel lee, Jul 1, 2013 @ 11:12

" ca va comme la queue du chien "

Salem T, Jul 1, 2013 @ 12:39

Casuistik, Jul 1, 2013 @ 15:33

Sir please mention quotes in english language, I could not undrstand its meaning.

 

hassel lee, Jul 2, 2013 @ 07:42

"The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron."
By "Phyllis Diller"

hassel lee, Jul 2, 2013 @ 07:44

"I told you I was unwell" (Spike Milligan... on his gravestone).

Lart U, Jul 3, 2013 @ 15:43

Casuistik, Jul 7, 2013 @ 11:08

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
By "Steven Wright"

hassel lee, Jul 8, 2013 @ 09:52

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

― Robert Wilensky

Arun K V, Feb 3, 2014 @ 19:01

Lady Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill

"if you were my husband I would poision your coffee"

"Nancy, if you were my wife, I would drink it"

peaky, Feb 3, 2014 @ 20:14

Nick L, Feb 3, 2014 @ 20:18

Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

Andy C, Feb 4, 2014 @ 00:49