Re: How can we get over our partner's past?
Fear exists for good reasons.
A question could be: how to domesticate it when it becomes a handicap?
The fear of flying can be treated efficiently by describing the airplane, its performances and explaining the sensations felt during the flight. The idea is get rid of blind obsessions.
For an individual, the risk in an aircraft is well identified: he doesn’t want to die!
What about the risk with a partner with many sexual past experiences?
Here there's no fear of physical death (thanks to plastic), it looks more like fear of a social death.
Am I original when pretending that social death is often more frightening than physical death? "I'll get into the airplane not to appear as a coward".
Back to the point: my friend has had many partners. Nothing dramatic, except for pathological cases, she or he just found this way to feel her/his social value: in short: to feel being loved. Would it be for the physical pleasure only, a battery powered instrument would have done the job.
The number of partners may correspond to a strategy (I evaluate my value in quantitative terms) or may be an endured fate (I like long lasting relations, but when I sleep I am dropped the next day).
What are the risks when starting a relation with an experienced person?
Hypothesis 1: someone who has practiced a lot in order to find satisfaction knows the way! She or he may come back to it. (I’ll soon or late be a cuckold)
Hypothesis 2: a person who has slept with many others has less value (principle of supply and demand). "May I introduce my wife?" - "thanks, I’m ok, I've already slept with her!". (I’m a loser collecting what others have left.
What are the benefits when starting a relation with an experienced person?:
I have tamed a wild animal! (I’m great)
In term of knowledge, I will benefit from this accumulated experience (if SHARED) (I’ll be clever).
No matter the past as long as I am fine with this person who matches my expectations (I'm some kind of a philosopher, I’m fine here and now).
In summary, there are risks and rewards... as anywhere.
Personally I prefer making choices based on true statements (my approach to a limitation of risks). Asking questions about the past is a way to evaluate these famous risks and to apprehend them in a proper way.
Knowing the facts I may run away because I do not have the shoulders to cope with it or because I feel a danger that I cannot explain. I can also choose to pay the price and make what I feel as a worthwhile effort.
Lies and hidden things may bring to a challenging life... when you have time to spend and nothing else to do!!
In short, knowing the person, his past and knowing your fears looks like a wise approach... but isn’t it is somehow heavy?
Have you ever felt like jumping into the water without probing the temperature?
It makes a big splash and it’s fun. The consequences? Who cares?
After all nothing is important.