A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
 
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.  He
opened his newspaper and began reading.   After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.' The drunk
muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper. The
priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry.  I didn't mean to come on so strong.  How long have you
had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.  I was just reading here that the

Pope does.'

> MORAL:  Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

It's great to see that despite recent affairs, you continue to ridiculise religion, and especially their leaders. Keep them comming, but beware of the Swiss Guards and their halberds. They may be closer than you think.

My mate met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and he found himself thinking

she probably had a really hot daughter.

 They drank a couple of beers, and she asked him if he'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

 What's that? he asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what

her daughter might look like, he said, 'No, I haven't.'

They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'

They went back to her place.

They walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

        'Mom...you still awake?'   

CUSTOMS DECLARATION

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?
Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

"Really??"

"Yes, REALLY - for fooks sake, I'm trying to do a moon landing here - what is YOUR problem???

Jeeeez................"