life is all about choices...

just walk away......no one needs to be bullied
divagirl, Nov 17, 2008 @ 17:44

I agree with Diva....

But then there are people who bully by taking people for granted! :angry:
I hate that and I would not simply walk away without teaching a lesson to the other party!

Cheers
Ehsaan
Ehsaan, Nov 17, 2008 @ 17:47

You should not ignore such people.

They should be "taken on" and revealed for what they are.

Always have the last word, even just before you walk away. But stay calm.

If the abuse continues, report it. Get help.

Any form of harrassment or manipulation must be tackled or it stays with you and occupies your mind, takes your energy.
Randonneur, Nov 17, 2008 @ 17:54

A bully needs a willing victim.



I agree with Divagirl. Avoid all contact and "positive reinforcement" of the behavior. The term positive reinforcement can be quite large in scope. Listening, appearing hurt when bullied, arguing, being concerned, showing concern, accepting any interaction with the bully etc.



Bullying is in fact a form of needy relationship that fortunately needs two people to work. If you are not there, there can be no bullying.



It might take some time but they will eventually move on in search of another victim.
Verbier, Nov 17, 2008 @ 17:55

I've dealt with tons of bullies when I was young. They bullied me for reasons they found good, such as my small size, my good grades, etc. By this time, most of the dealing was done by my parents.



I dealt with stupids bullying my sister when we were in high school. These frustrated guys probably needed some girlish attention bad enough to bully my sis', but not enough to stand physical threat.



Social bullies want (your) attention, or they try to make themselves higher by stepping on others. They usually can be disabled by ignorance. It drives them mad to be like water on a duck's feathers. Prepare for an aggravation of the bullying, at least for one moment.



Physical bullies are to be dealt properly with. If it comes to physical contact, one option is to lift swiftly your leg with your knee bent to reach for the navel of the bully, VIA the groin. Then run. Note: if the bully weights 200 lbs, make sure he doesn't fall on you: it will lower your chances to escape his emerging and now probably justified wrath.



If bullying is observed toward anyone one the site, I'm sure the troublemaker will quickly be atomised by Nir and/or Oded.



Say NO to bullies.



Syd.



PS: Advertisment: this post contains some second degree humour. Recent events forced me to declare it. It is not meant to offend or hurt anyone's feeling. Oh, by the way, no animals other than myself were hurt during the redaction of this post.
Syd_Brown, Nov 17, 2008 @ 17:55

Dealing with Bullies begins with recognising the act of bullying , this appears to be simple but has to be seen as a problem of the bully being projected on you, criticisms or allegations are usually their own shortcomings , bullies don't pick on necessarily pick on the weak but perhaps in those in which there is an element of jealousy.



Bulling usually takes place out of sight of others and therefore it's essential to record events as denial will be the first line of defence, as bullies fear most the exposure of their acts.



britabroad, Nov 17, 2008 @ 17:58

Hi Syd,

I realise some of your reply is humorous..... but would warn against violence. It only breeds more violence. If anyone physically threatens or touches you..... take it to the Police. Immediately.
Randonneur, Nov 17, 2008 @ 18:14

[quote]



Hi Syd,



I realise some of your reply is humorous..... but would warn against violence. It only breeds more violence. If anyone physically threatens or touches you..... take it to the Police. Immediately.[/quote]



Of course, Rando'. But don't forget NOT to give the other cheek neither, as some stupid jerks jump people for any reason! ;)



Here is the warning I should have added: [My previous] post bears no incitation to violence, the intended humour is based on a dichotomy between the actual increasing trend of politically correct behaviour codes and a displaced, shocking behaviour fallaciously preconised. ;)
Syd_Brown, Nov 17, 2008 @ 18:31

Just to elaborate on my original thought of walking away…For me, that is still valid, but I also agree that  one must keep any sort of evidence that the bullying is actually taking place, regardless if it’s happening through the cyber world or not….If it’s happening through phone calls and text messages, one can always block the number, but that doesn’t stop the bully from assuming a different identity (number) and starting over.

In cases such as violent threats whether physical or mental, extortion, harassment, stalking, obscene messages in emails, texts or even phone calls, I would also report it to the police.  I hope this helps.   
divagirl, Nov 17, 2008 @ 19:31

It's clear that bullies always pick on the same type of person and the trick is to know what to say/do to stop their behaviour.

If you were taught to walk away or ignore the bully as a child, it may not help if you walk away from social events, your job, your life. You have to face bullies. 

I just wish there was a way to:

1) recognize a bully before they even start. Bullies, wear black hats! Please?

2) nip it in the bud right when it happens the first time. 

Syd - WHAT IS A VERBAL KICK IN THE GROIN? Here are my ideas. Although they seem quite daring to me, maybe this is what one must do: 

CASE ONE: Cruel private emails/sms: DELETE INSTEAD OF OPENING.

CASE TWO: Snide, (meant only for the intended victim) private remarks at social or work gatherings: I'm thinking about turning to the person next to me and saying "Did you hear what XXX just said? What a pathetic bully! ha ha!". Or maybe it's better to say out loud just to the person, but without lowering your voice "Oh go away, you nasty thing!"

CASE THREE: Mean remarks in front of everyone: Here, I don't know what to do and I always think of a reply too late (the next day). You have to reply. You can't just sit there looking stunned, which is what I do.

There are other cases but the point is to really find the formula that makes you come out of the situation and avoid it in the future.
MarmarK, Nov 17, 2008 @ 19:36

I just wanted to add that I think that probably everybody has been in a situation where they have either bullied or been bullied. No one is strong all the time.  No one is nice all the time.

 And bullies are known to be quite wimpy when the tables are turned. Remember Georgie Porgie from the nursery rhyme?
MarmarK, Nov 17, 2008 @ 19:41

Actually as a quick rebuttal in any situation , ask the bully to repeat what they said to you as you didn't hear them the first time , and then again but just smile and walk away. They'll be confused and won't try it with you again. This doesn't need a witty or caustic reply , but the act of repetition will make them appear stupid..
britabroad, Nov 17, 2008 @ 20:06

Hi Marmark,
I found this on the internet "When the boss is the bully" http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19950901-000021.html Although it dates to an article in '95, I think it's still applicable today.  I hope this helps.
Tactics from seasoned organisational consultants:
·          Confront the bully: "I'm sorry you feel you have to do that, but I will not put up with that kind of behavior. It has no place here." It can be startlingly effective. "Bullies lack boundaries on their own behavior. Some external controls may force them to back off" says Levinson. "A bully can't bully if you don't let yourself be bullied."
·          Conduct the confrontation in private--behind dosed doors in the bully's of-rice, at lunch outside the office. The bully won't back down in front of an audience.
·          Specify the behavior that's unworkable: "You can't just fire from the hip and demean me in front of my staff or others.
·          Don't play armchair psychologist. Restrict the discussion to specific behaviors, not theories of motivation.
·          Make your boss aware by showing him or her the consequences of his behavior on others. "I've been noticing how Jim seems so demoralized lately. I think one of the contributing factors may be last week's meeting when you ridiculed him for producing an inadequate sales report" Many executives have no information on how their leadership style impacts others, says Alexander. "Peers don't tell them they are in competition. Why feed information that may make your competitor more effective?"
·          Awareness is not enough; help your boss figure out what to do. Specify the behavioral change you want. "Your boss is likely to brush off criticism with, 'That's just my style;" observes Marquand. "Furnish your boss with an example of desirable behavior-from his or her own repertoire of actions. Jump in with 'But I can recall a month ago when you were . . . lavish in your praise of that new assistant,' or whatever."
·          Point out how the boss's behavior is seen by others. "You embarrass me when you publicly humiliate me in a meeting, but you also embarrass yourself. You're demonstrating your weakness." Comparing self-perceptions and the perceptions of others is often a "grabber," finds Alexander. "The fact of difference gets people's attention."
·          Try humor. If you point out to your boss that she's acting like a caricature, that may be enough to make her aware.
·          Recruit an ally or allies. Standing up for yourself can stop a bully by earning his/her respect. But it could also cost your job. The higher your boss is in the organization, says Lewis, the more you need allies. "It pays to check out with other workers whether the behavior you are experiencing is generalized or idiosyncratic," says Levinson. "If it's generalized, it's easier for two or three people to confront a boss than one alone."
·          If the company you work for is large enough to have one, talk to the human resources department. Unfortunately, says Levinson, companies often don't learn about bullying experiences until an exit interview. But the larger the company you work for, the more mechanisms there are in place to deal with bullies. Unfortunately, the corollary is that in a smaller organization you may have little choice except to leave.
·        If you are important to the organization, you may accomplish your goal by going to your boss's boss. But that's always a chancy move; you'll have to live with your boss in the morning
divagirl, Nov 17, 2008 @ 20:10

I've been faced at times (trough teenage years and beyond) with various types of bullying. From snides to mean email to mean comments meant as a joke in front of everyone to pure badmouthing. I tried the options you just mentioned (witty remark, telling out loud to other people what that person just said ... delete messages etc ...). I tried the walking away and just not care policy, and sometimes they work, sometimes they didn't.

More in details, if the person was just after more self affirmation and would not be satisfied with my walking away reaction ... he or she might just start bullying someone else and I'd be ok. If on the other hand it was some personal grudge that they just couldn't handle better ... they'd just keep going. Same for answering with a smart comment. It will just give the bully a confirmation that you are sensitive and somehow reacting to what he's saying.

Avoiding (temporarily at least) the person so far has worked for me in situation when the bullying was going on for a while. I took a step back, focused on myself and closer friend and when I could not avoid to meet the person make it perfectly clear that I did not want to have anything to do with him or her. (not even saying hi and refusing to aknowledge their presence). On the other hand i know that it's not always possible or you might just not want to do it.

For verbal bullying with no proves (so no text messages, phone calls, emails etc) what worked the best for me and my friend is to just being assertive: Tell that person what you clearly think of him/her (feel free to use the word jerk if needed), and that you honestly don't care what he/she or their close friends think about you. It tends to shock these kind of people the fact the someone really does not care about what they think. Make clear that you will not tollerate any verbal abuse from now on and the future instance will be reported to a lawyer (yes you can file for arrasment even if only verbal if you have witnesses) and that for everyone's sake they should just pretend you never met and please never talk to you again. Be assertive, not freightned and expect a whole lot of insults and threats as soon as you are done talking. If you hold your ground the bullying should stop within weeks.

If you have proves of bullying (sms, emails, and witnesses that can prove you have been harrassed/bullied) you can directly call a lawyer and file for harrasment. The lawyer will send an email to the bully and open a file with the local authorities. In case the bullying should continue even after the first warning then you have the 'ground' for sueing them.

I am not a professional but I've tried various techniques and suggestions, and some are professional advices.

Hope it answers your question a bit,

Valentina
Hoiling, Nov 18, 2008 @ 17:01