Because I lift things...heavy things. Not particularly anywhere, I just lift them (and not particularly off of granny either, though really I would). Now I'm not saying I'm dim (that is to my awareness), or that I am exceptionally good at it (although its nice to think it), but if Arnold can become Governor of California, then by way of linear logic, I too should become Governor of something...! Or perhaps receive two tickets to see Dylan Moran so as to correct my line of thinking?



Haha, thanks,



Jean-Paul
JeanPaulGagn, May 7, 2009 @ 13:57

Have you no respect? Dylan Moran is mine, get your own human plaything!



All he does is sit there and scowl and smoke and make hurtful remarks about people. He snipes and sneers, moans, carps and complains, damns and blasts, burns and bludgeons everything until there's nothing left except ashes and bones.







...I want those tickets.





;)
lemarquise, May 7, 2009 @ 14:53

Oohh, please please can I go? Its not funny or original, but we need a night out away from the little one. Haven't had one since arriving in Geneva in November. Sad isn't it :crazy:
Sarah_F, May 7, 2009 @ 15:05

Indeed he's an Irishman, like myself, and like myself he is an expert in avoiding "lego being inserted in his arse".

So in order to avoid my wife, (who incidentally loves this guy, lord knows why when she has me,) jamming a piece of our lovely daughters lego up my arse for failing to be funny enough on here, I plead to your sense of male decency and decorum and beg you to save me the embarrassment of being probably the first Irishman in Swiss history to have lego extracted from his rectum at Nyon emergency hospital.



Give me the two tickets, and Ill take my wife, and I promise to write a piece about Dylans show, and also how my anus was saved being turned into lego mans garage!



In anycase enjoy the weather, its gorgeous, so it is.



kisses

Charlie
Charlie, May 7, 2009 @ 16:58

OH NO, I cannot believe that Dylan Moran is coming to town when I'm away and that on top of that you're arranging a Dylan Moran competition and everything! He IS the funniest man on earth! Life is not fair.:crying:
charlotta, May 7, 2009 @ 18:10

You should give me tickets to Dylan Moran's show, because if you don't, I'll be so depressed that I'll kill myself by jumping out the window of my apartment. And as I only live on the third floor, it might take me a few tries...
gkellum, May 7, 2009 @ 19:06

I deserve the tickets because today morning I ate eggs.
saurabhkool, May 7, 2009 @ 19:49

because i have no plans that evening and im skint!
peaky, May 7, 2009 @ 19:49

I am a physicist. I have no sense of humor. I need one.
roboducky28, May 7, 2009 @ 23:35

I'd on-bord a tram, line-up, and sit- down to see this stand-up, even pay-up if I don't free ticket-it, but by then I may be too late as he will fill-it.
davefisk, May 7, 2009 @ 23:47

Because i'm Lebanese and my country's at war and I need to laugh.
fyhaddad, May 7, 2009 @ 23:52

because I'm from USA and I got a brain for him...well, kinda...
floydmarks, May 8, 2009 @ 01:04

Comedians love to make fun of audience members -- and let me tell you my wife and I make an easy target. So really, it's a win-win! We get free tickets, and you get to laugh at us! So help out a pour comedy-loving student who couldn't afford to go otherwise!

physicsrob, May 8, 2009 @ 02:04

because I missed the Bob Dylan concert, and this is next closest thing?
scoobe, May 8, 2009 @ 12:42

If you pick me, then you only have 9 difficult decisions to make instead of 10 ;)





PS. I'm hungry.
JustAdam, May 8, 2009 @ 14:42

By getting a tix, maybe I can avoid another potato soup evening at home and get some real food on the way home from a takeaway
rgupta, May 8, 2009 @ 22:58

I see the level of posts so far is mediocre, so I thought I'd set a new standard by posting what is confirmed by CNN to be the funniest joke in the world:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Nir Ofek, May 9, 2009 @ 02:27

And here's Dylan Moran's thoughts on rap music:

Nir Ofek, May 9, 2009 @ 02:40

[quote]

confirmed by CNN to be thefunniest joke in the world:

[/quote]



My ass. Stand back and get ready for this. Ahem:



I went to the zoo the other day and the only animal they had was a single lonely dog...

...

...

...

... it was a Shih Tzu





hayes, May 9, 2009 @ 07:15

Before you decide to award all the tickets to me, I feel I should point out that I can't go. Sorry. But I feel that someone else should really get a chance this time.
hayes, May 9, 2009 @ 07:17

I fell over last week and broke my funny-bone. :crying: If I get to see Dylan it will heal really quickly:D

Annie16, May 9, 2009 @ 11:43

Well i just came back from a weeks holiday to find that my cats hate me and don't come near me anymore.



So if i get the tickets they will realize what a great owner i am!! Kitties.... i have Dylan Moran tickets... who wants to go with me?? No no don't walk in my feet i will faaaaaaaaallllll!!!





Maria_, May 10, 2009 @ 15:30

Today, I decided to snack on some M&M's. I saw my dog sniffing something and realized one of my M&M's had fallen on the floor. To prevent my dog from eating the chocolate, I hurriedly snatched the M&M off the ground and ate it. When I bit down, I realized it wasn't an M&M. It was a dead beetle.



Please can I have some comedy where the joke's not on me ;)
terri2028, May 10, 2009 @ 22:19

We moved house 2 months ago and still have no TV .  We have filled the time with watching back to back DVDs  of the hilarious black books ... over and over again

this proves :

a) I love Dylan Moran

and

b)  I really do need a good night out !!! 
Helen E, May 11, 2009 @ 00:41

Nir,

Despite the mediocre level of humour you are about to witness,  I think you'll agree that I already have some skin in the game for these tickets. If you remember I was among the winning quintet, the last time Geneva opened its doors to some funny men, but sadly I was denied the free viewing for my distinct lack of blue photo. (I only have myself to blame I suppose).

I still went to watch a Blue Man catch in his mouth more marshmellows than should be caught in a mouth at any one time to the rythmic beat of a drain pipe... but I had to see them for money and not for free, so hopefully my drastic comedic effort below is taken with this in mind. (they were still very good - and I highly recommend them to anyone who has not had the chance yet).

Anyway since my competition is a poor zoo joke from a man not able to come (in truth i did laugh out loud a little bit), I thought I would add a further mediocrity to add to your family friendly post Christmas dinner joke repetoire:

What did the Salmon say when he swam into the wall.....

....

Dam.

With Regards

Lady Norman - hopefully the creativity is self evident in these last 2 words.
whiteguy, May 12, 2009 @ 00:52

I should get two tickets for my brother and me (huge Dylan Moran fans), mainly because of the current replies! I'm not saying they're unfunny reasons, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get—I don't know—a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a funnier reason on the walls!
mitchus, May 12, 2009 @ 02:20

Here is my "why" (animated gif file - make sure the gif animation is ON in your browser):





and in addition as to "why I should get tickets":



- I don't have TV / internet at home (weird these days, huh?) - prefer to watch the show live ))

- some people claim I don't have a sense of humor and my jokes suck - need to watch the show of the master (Dylan Moran obviously) ))

- I actually spent time to qualify for the tickets ))
extremal, May 12, 2009 @ 11:54

So any news about those tickets? The cats have started scratching "Dylan Moran" on the walls!
Maria_, May 14, 2009 @ 12:25

I think since we were all so crap Nir has donated the tickets to the stray dogs home... cats lost out, as did us humans, and I am off to hospital to have the lego starship enterprise extracted!



Better luck next time :-)
Charlie, May 14, 2009 @ 12:46

I guess so :P



Now who tells two cats they will stay in Friday night? Not me!!
Maria_, May 15, 2009 @ 03:00

Awww man...I really wanted to see a good comedy show. Knowing a couple of tickets were in the bag would make this rainy day all the better!
JeanPaulGagn, May 15, 2009 @ 11:26

If the winner is not me ....  wich of curse I hope it is ,  then my vote goes to Charlie !

Helen
Helen E, May 15, 2009 @ 13:33

Very kind of you Helen, but I am already processed through A&E, and cant sit for longer than 3 or 4 minutes for the time being. I believe there will be an article about it in the Medical magazine "The Lancet"... Apparently the Dr was impressed that the entire and intact Starship enterprise was found up there, and they believe it was inserted, or more accurately "built" much the same way as you would a wooden matchstick ship is into a bottle. (clearly I was asleep).



However since you're so kind, I nominate you, and the rest should be auctioned off and cash donated to a dogs home, who, poor things, no doubt in these credit crunch times are feeling a distinct lack of CRUNCH in their morning meals.



Before I go.... here is a fairly unoriginal joke that no doubt will appeal to the girls on here, and have the men nodding....



The Morning after the Office Party.



Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas

Party.



He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it?

Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.



As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache,

his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.



He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a

couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,

a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.



He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of

drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was

serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting



gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign,

but no memories were returning.



As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it

note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little

hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.



I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is

in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's

snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't

hurt

too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. x '



He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,

steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at the

table, eating.



Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.



' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell

over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and

got that black eye when you ran into the door. '



Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order,

aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'



His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she

tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you

slapper,

I'm married!!'



Broken Coffee Table £250

Hot Breakfast £3.50

Two Aspirins 20p

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

Charlie, May 15, 2009 @ 13:44

Cuz I'm a funny f***er too
DavidFearon, May 15, 2009 @ 20:18

Sorry for the delay in announcing the winners - we were hoping to get Dylan Moran himself to record a video for us with the winners, but that option fell throgh as he's now on tour.

Winners will be announced tomorrow (Sunday).
Nir Ofek, May 16, 2009 @ 22:08

Hahaha, I have been watching Dylan all week!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUVg5UgC4T4



"Farmer's aren't really people..." oh man. His Australia and US jokes are pretty funny too!!



I can't wait to see his new stuff...erm..hopefully!
JeanPaulGagn, May 17, 2009 @ 01:28

Here are the Winners!

Apologies for the delay...
Nir Ofek, May 18, 2009 @ 01:06

Gutted, but cant go.... Nir please redistribute the two tickets to a worthy "new" winner.



I will have to make do with the shows via YouPo...erm I mean... YouTube.





Charlie, May 26, 2009 @ 18:56

Awww Charlie sorry to hear about that! Would you mind if I attempt to capitalize on the newly made availability of these tickets?



Nir, my fiancée and I are still busting to go!! We've been watching the bits of Dylan's show on youtube and find him absolutely hilarious. It would be a riot to go on Friday! Thanks for the consideration,



Jean-Paul
JeanPaulGagn, May 26, 2009 @ 19:43

the suspense is killing us Nir ... 
Helen E, May 27, 2009 @ 03:19

Jean-Paul: you got it. Just sent you email on it.



Nir Ofek, May 27, 2009 @ 03:41

Eleri: what suspence? the winners were announced last week already...



http://offers.glocals.com/DylanMoran_Winners.htm





Nir Ofek, May 27, 2009 @ 03:43

The show was great! Thanks again for the amazing tickets.
floydmarks, May 30, 2009 @ 16:55

Thanks for making this happen. The show was excellent!



Think you can get Eddie Izzard to swing by?
mitchus, May 31, 2009 @ 13:24

Hahaha, mate, thanks so much for giving us the chance to see Dylan! What a night, finally a comedian who takes the piss out of Geneva and defends men against the emotional tirades of women, lol.



"Smoking and drinking...you've been smoking and drinking..." bloody brilliant!
JeanPaulGagn, May 31, 2009 @ 20:05