Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
CharlieDec 14, 2012 @ 11:23
>Timmy Writes a Christmas Letter
>
>Dear Santa,
>
>How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to
>the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like
>an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope
>you remember that come Christmas Day.
>
>Merry Christmas,
>
>Timmy Jones
>
>
>Dear Timmy,
>
>Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are
>all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried
>all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't
>want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think
>I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
>
>Merry Christmas,
>
>Santa Claus
>
>
>Mr. Claus,
>
>Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by
>you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
>granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn
>this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a
>jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a
>year is a bit trite?
>
>Respectfully,
>
>Tim Jones
>
>
>Mr. Jones,
>
>While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I
>remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a
>guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
>well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have
>been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident
>and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally,
>the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also
>improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion
>that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
>
>Very Truly Yours,
>
>S Claus
>
>
>Now look here Fat Man,
>
>I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting
>to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this.
>Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're
>gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my
>game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
>
>T-Bone
>
>
>
>Listen Pizza Face,
>
>Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world
>on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe?
>"He sees you when you're sleeping; he knows when you're awake." Sound
>familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal.
>I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to
>hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your
>Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're
>not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to
>stomp a mud hole in your a** and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
>
>S Clizzy
>
>
>Dear Santa,
>
>Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
>
>Timmy
>
>
>Timmy,
>
>That's what I thought, you little bastard.
>
>Santa
>Timmy Writes a Christmas Letter
>
>Dear Santa,
>
>How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to
>the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like
>an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope
>you remember that come Christmas Day.
>
>Merry Christmas,
>
>Timmy Jones
>
>
>Dear Timmy,
>
>Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are
>all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried
>all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't
>want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think
>I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
>
>Merry Christmas,
>
>Santa Claus
>
>
>Mr. Claus,
>
>Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by
>you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
>granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn
>this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a
>jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a
>year is a bit trite?
>
>Respectfully,
>
>Tim Jones
>
>
>Mr. Jones,
>
>While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I
>remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a
>guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
>well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have
>been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident
>and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally,
>the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also
>improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion
>that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
>
>Very Truly Yours,
>
>S Claus
>
>
>Now look here Fat Man,
>
>I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting
>to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this.
>Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're
>gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my
>game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
>
>T-Bone
>
>
>
>Listen Pizza Face,
>
>Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world
>on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe?
>"He sees you when you're sleeping; he knows when you're awake." Sound
>familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal.
>I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to
>hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your
>Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're
>not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to
>stomp a mud hole in your a** and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
>
>S Clizzy
>
>
>Dear Santa,
>
>Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
>
>Timmy
>
>
>Timmy,
>
>That's what I thought, you little bastard.
>
>Santa
G___, Dec 14, 2012 @ 12:41
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 14, 1994
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered
a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly
delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
On the second day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 15, 1994
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.
Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted
at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
On the third day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 16, 1994
Dearest John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really
must protest. I don't deserve such generosity,
Three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
On the fourth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 17, 1994
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now
really, they are beautiful but don't you think
enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
On the fifth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 18, 1994
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5
golden rings; one for every finger. You're just
impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Anges
On the sixth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 19, 1994
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese
a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to
the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I ever keep them? The neighbors are
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
On the seventh day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 20, 1994
John:
What's with you and those crazy birds? 7 swans
a-swimming. What kind of terrible joke is this?
There's bird shit all over the house, and they
never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at
night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.
So stop sending me all these birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes
On the eighth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 21, 1994
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do
with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all
those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to
bring their cows! There is shit all over the lawn
and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me,
smart ass.
Agnes
On the ninth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 22, 1994
Hey! Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9
pipers playing. And boy, do they play. They've
never stopped chasing those maids since they got
here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset,
and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have
started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
On the tenth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 23, 1994
You Rotten Sadist,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I
call those sluts ladies. They've been messing with
those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this
building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
On the eleventh day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 24, 1994
Listen! Looser,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids
and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk
again. Those pipers ran through the maids and
have been committing sodomy with the cows. All
23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled
to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied,
you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
On the twelfth day of Christmas...
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 1994
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12
fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to
inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention.
If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein
at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With this
letter please find attached warrant for your
arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 14, 1994
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered
a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly
delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
On the second day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 15, 1994
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.
Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted
at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
On the third day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 16, 1994
Dearest John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really
must protest. I don't deserve such generosity,
Three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
On the fourth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 17, 1994
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now
really, they are beautiful but don't you think
enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
On the fifth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 18, 1994
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5
golden rings; one for every finger. You're just
impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Anges
On the sixth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 19, 1994
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese
a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to
the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I ever keep them? The neighbors are
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
On the seventh day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 20, 1994
John:
What's with you and those crazy birds? 7 swans
a-swimming. What kind of terrible joke is this?
There's bird shit all over the house, and they
never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at
night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.
So stop sending me all these birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes
On the eighth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 21, 1994
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do
with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all
those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to
bring their cows! There is shit all over the lawn
and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me,
smart ass.
Agnes
On the ninth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 22, 1994
Hey! Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9
pipers playing. And boy, do they play. They've
never stopped chasing those maids since they got
here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset,
and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have
started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
On the tenth day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 23, 1994
You Rotten Sadist,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I
call those sluts ladies. They've been messing with
those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this
building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
On the eleventh day of Christmas...
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 24, 1994
Listen! Looser,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids
and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk
again. Those pipers ran through the maids and
have been committing sodomy with the cows. All
23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled
to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied,
you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
On the twelfth day of Christmas...
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 1994
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12
fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to
inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention.
If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein
at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With this
letter please find attached warrant for your
arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole
Charlie, Dec 14, 2012 @ 12:54
