April weekend opportunity - free trip offered by Ikea

I have managed to obtain sponsoring from Ikea for an all expenses paid weekend trip to visit Stockholm, Sweden and the Ikea Center which is located there.

The excursion begins with a champagne flight from the local airfield in Aubonne
With a DC 2 low flying tourist flight to Stockholm. On board we will be served smoked salmon, Swedish herrings in mustard sauce followed by applekaka for dessert.

Once in Stockholm, we will be taken to the Ikea center where we will follow the specially marked footsteps for this occasion, on the floor, in order to find our way to the exist of the center.

Those visitors who are not able to succeed in managing to find their way to the exit will simply be left behind and will be charged on their credit card for the entire cost of the excursion.

Those participants who do manage to make it to the exit within the allowed time, will receive a goodie basket filled with Ikea products and a 300 page global instruction guide for mounting all Ikea furniture. This guide is used by all Ikea technicians and is normally not available to the public. It is the secret Ikea guide, which will not only help you with future furniture assembly, but also has a secret guide to finding the shortest path through the Ikea Stores in every country worldwide!

The journey home will be by the Ikea coach and will make occasional stops for re-gluing the engine parts and tightening the screws on the coach seats. ( Important!!! Bring your instruction guide )

Please sign up here ASAP as seating is limited. I will send you by return e-mail all the details of this April 1st excursion. Ask any questions here, as others may want to also be informed.

I look forward to this unique opportunity only available via Glocals today!!

Cheers and bye for now.

I suspect EPICURE is wise and every one should jump on board....of the April fool's day.

Poisson d'avril

I’d love to go but only if you’ll be there to help me understand the instruction guide.

Do let me know soonest.

Ta, R.

Q. what did the duck say when asked how did he want to pay for the dinner?

A. he said to just put it on his bill 

SCHOOL - 1950s v 2015

Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1950s - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. 

2015 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark & charge them with assault.
Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes. 

--------------------------

Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1950s - Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 

2015 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD – result deemed to be positive. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability. 

--------------------------

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1950s - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 

2015 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1950s - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, Passes exams & becomes a solicitor.

2015 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.

1950s - Wasps die. 

2015- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an aeroplane again. 

--------------------------

Scenario :
Johnny falls over while playing football during morning break and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  She hugs him to comfort him.

1950s - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football. No damage done.

2015 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay. 

The Donald

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip. I’m John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please." 

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys"?

"Off to England next month," says John.

"We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles.

Don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude." 

Bartender asks:  Then why keep going to England? 

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Shame on you, Jeff, how could you forget driving on the left in Australia, one of several countries where this is the norm.

But Aussies are such nice folk Ritchie !! As are the English I might add - you are valid proof of that !!

Thank you for the kind sentiment, Jeff, but I’m not English.

Oops  - my mistake. I naturally assumed UK meant English...

Touché!

Before everyone Irish gets upset he did ask for "Irish" sausage !!

ALSO FYI...Bunnings is a large DYI store in OZ...

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
 
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
 
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
 
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
 
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
 
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,
  why did  you ask me if I'm Irish?"
 
The assistant replied, "Because this is Bunnings."