Personnally I don't understand it.

Perhaps is it because I have always linked sex with love ?

Perhaps is it because of my spiritual beliefs, where sex is more than

just a physical act ? 

I think it simply cannot be generalised.. It depends on each persons emotional make up and how they each see it.

"A" fuk buddy infers you only have one, this is essentially a partner no? Or does your fuk buddy have other fuk buddies too which makes them not quite your partner? Or you all have multple fuk buddies so it's just a bunch of one night stands?

Each to their own and all that, i have no opinion either way on the rights or wrongs but anecdotally I reckon a lot of people end up hurt because their buddy went off with somebody else or vice versa.

Can of worms.. but if it works for you, go for it.

Well,John,I suppose people in conventional relationships also get cheated on and hurt,and can also find their partner "went off with somebody else"?

As for sex and emotion,Bertrand,you can still have affection for your friend,can't you?,In any case,for much of our history,people married and had sex for reasons that had nothing to do with love- in some cultures it is still the case.

i am not saying it's right or wrong or even that it works - I don't know.I just think it's an interesting idea.

Well I'm sorry you were disappointed, you could have said something and/or participate (or is it easier to just lurk around and criticize?)

As I said several time, it was really just for fun on my side (based on a real conversation I had), but I understand this topic can raise some more serious concerns and questions. And I would also love to hear more people's opinion about it, and how they really consider this new type of relationship?

If it's really something beneficial or just a mere illusion?

No criticism intended.As I said,above,such a thread is "fine",just not the space to introduce this kind of discussion,as the other was light hearted and just for fun.

No criticism intended at all.Sorry if it seemed that way.

I was just trying to explain why I had started a similar thread - maybe I did it clumsily and should have explained that the other thread had inspired this one...

You're correct, I have affection for my few female friends, but I will never have sex with them.

I imagine sex as something very enjoyable, but I also believe, and that's the spiritual side which is very important for me, that there's an exchange of subtil energies between the two persons, a connexion of the different chakras.

well, that's what I believe since I was 15 yo....

No worries, I'm sorry if I misunderstood your post :)

So what is your stance on this topic? Do you believe it's possible to have such a relationship and stay friends? Have you tried it?

I don't really want to get into sharing my private stuff,but it seems to me that for some people it can work for a certain period( just as conventional relationships often have a time limit!)

i think it is interesting to challenge our fixed ideas about relationships and to examine alternatives that suit the real world.

Phoebe, Buzzz, check that thread on that same topic...

Big thank u Izzie!!

Lovers: always existed. A non-commitment relationship with sex involved between 2 people. Yet there is the word love in it. Indeed it may,in some cases, involve feelings. There is nothing definite in the concept which can evolve in either opposite directions (as in the beautiful story The End of the Affair by Graham Greene).

Relationship / marriage: Love between 2 people implying a commitment, a desire for future love, a promise... a bet rather since we can promise actions but we cannot promise feelings...

Fuck buddies or lovers 2.0: lovers adapted to the evolution of our society, ie. a non-commitment just-4fun-sex based relationship between 2 people also implying a no-risk of falling in love promise... also a lie since, as stated earlier, we cannot promise feelings... there's a if-you-love-me-you're-screwed kind of non-verbal implication...

Prego 

I would like to add another sphere to this discussion (mainly on living it and managing it):

I think the mere idea of a superficial sexual bondage is not bad (biologically speaking) but the way our psychology is defined, I think we get used to things/actions/people/environment etc and a sexual bondage can be one of the special bondage one can have and ofcourse it is not so easy to let go with.

I think it is very important in such friendships (in monogamy) one can be more clear, honest and open and just in case if another person starts developing a higher bondage (with time - in case), the same can be kept on check and right in time, so the idea which sounds so cool as a short term solution may not end-up hurting the friendship at large. (It is difficult to find good friends, and when the friend can be a friend with benefits, in a way the friend becomes even more special)

Again, I think in cases of polygamy from both the partners, it can be easier to manage such expectations in a way!

In my very honest opinion, no, this is not the way forward. Rather the way backward, back to more mindless and ‘animal’ behavior. But maybe we are going to have to agree that, the way things are evolving in this modern age, to pick up Tracy’s words, it could sadly become the only option left…

Ajay Sharma,your comment is really interesting - but forgive me for giggling at the use of the phrase " sexual bondage" as it implies something different to what you intended

It is a very interesting topic. I think human being is not monogamous. We are quite capable of loving a few people at the same time.  BUT we are not robots either. We dont switch the love and jealousy buttons on and off. Our feelings are not in our control, and people are scared of getting hurt . You can jump into "no strings attached" kind of relationships but somewhere in your heart you know things can go wrong and either you will be hurt or you will hurt the other person. So, as someone said before it really depends on what kind of person you are and what are you looking for. I personally get very attached to my friends and I cannot imagine having sex with them, as that for me is taking the friendship one step forward and bringing the person into my intimate space and it would be really difficult for me to detach myself.....

Mostly true...except that its not limited to the expat life

You are forgiven

I am actually much older than 40 and was thinking of this as a solution for people for whom the committed- long- term- etc etc partner thing  is not really a very realisable  goal.

Do you think there is an age limit for alternative relationship options like this? I would have thought it was easier as there is no biological baby clock going on and no pressure about having to find " the right one" and "settle down"

You may sound very harsh but you are right. Bitter fact of life....

So,does that mean we should hang around,searching for a partner - very difficult as is now widely acknowledged - while life passes us by......then,if it never happens,finding ourselves alone,with no sex drive and no partner ......or........have some fun whilst we still have a life and then,eventually,fall into the state that Richdog describes above ,all the same?

Nothing is guaranteed in life.I was widowed after 20 years of relationship.Never expected to find myself alone in middle age.I DO know there was" a little more life" as Richdog says.Been there,had that.

The single world for people like me is pretty grim......why  should we be condemned to celibacy in the fairly futile pursuit of the-new- "One" ?

Better to open our horizons and reassess things,no?

Buzzcocks -

Hhihi..thanks for pointing it out and it brought you a giggle so you can thank me for that :P 

"Bonding" would make more sense there ))

Speaking of experience, I see 3 flaws in FwB relationships:

(1) They tend to become very unbalanced over time. In a typical scenario, one falls in love, does not dare to say anything in fear of losing the other and the benefit ends up being one sided.

(2) They tend to lead to the objectification of the (in)significant other when the “benefits” part takes over the “friends” part. If both agree to be the object of the other, that’s fine, but

(3) as long as you are with mr/s sex, you are basically are much less open to romance and if mr/s right passes by, chances are that you won’t even notice him/her. Fine if you have decided that you’re done with long term committed relationships but that may turn out to be a problem if you are of the couple type.

Sorry to read that you lost your partner. It's great that you have an open mind and can see possibilities for unconventional relationships. But don't lose hope that you will find something special and wonderful in the future, there are a lot of people out there.

I hope this doesn't sound patronizing, that's not my intention. I just wanted to comment because your comment seemed very pessimistic. You are an attractive, intelligent woman with a GSOH so I doubt you'll be able to stay single forever.

Ive Read a lot of the comments on here and found them interesting. Firstly there is life afer 40, even after 50 .... no one finds themselves condemmed to live a lonely life , just because your over a certain age, and neither are you condemned to a life of a sexlessness. 

Everyone ages differently , some people have active sex lives and continuing relationships well into thier 80's. Ok the choice you have is smaller as you get older. However this doesnt mean that once youve hit a certain age life is over. !!

The single world may seem grim, but thats just a perception. Change your perception and everything else changes. 

Having a FB , certaily helps and to a small degree, and gives you confidence boost in yourself, and makes you feel attractive to the opposite sex. This is usually a short term solution, and can grow into a long lasting relationship eventually. The trick is to keep your mind and options open , stay positive and be confident in yourself. Be honest in your relationships whatever they may be, and be honest with yourself. But please dont ever think your condemned to a life of lonliness. :)

www.soul-healing.ch

What you say seems to make a lot of sense.

My observations have been that this kind of arrangement seems to work for some people - but you have raised some points that show that "seems" May be the key word.

very thought provoking.

Hey ,this isn't meant to be a therapy thread

And,Karl,I only say " grim" in the sense of the outlook for meeting someone  being rather slim.The rest of life can be great fun- as I wrote at the very beginning. Having a life partner isn't the be and end all , but having fun is imporfant.

I only made a point about age because Mr Richdog seemed to limit his discussion to people  under 40- which seemed to be his cut off point for having unattached fun.

Oops- the above was meant to include the quote from Karl....

This was just my perspective and not intended as therapy. However I disagree with you about the outlook. Ive met more people since i turned 50 than ever before and had a helluva lot of fun. Richdog is young and therefore can only see things from his perspective. 

From my perspective life over 50 is amazing :) 

Couldn't agree more!

The " outlook for meeting someone" means meeting a long term partner.Do you mean you've met loads of long term partners since turning 50? I doubt it.We can all have brief encounters and flings "even after 50"as you said earlier,the "even" making me chuckle

Yes ive met loads of long term partners... and short term partners...  Joke!!

I mean ive met lots of people with potential to be long term, and loads of partners who are just short term... my point is there are options out there... if you are willing to be open and accept them. It doesnt matter, all that matters is that you enjoy every moment with yourself, and whoever else your with. Life is for living not for pondering what could have been, or what should be... Glad i made you chuckle... ;)

There is too much focus on sex and less on "companionship" may be that is why people are more and more lonely. They want the best, the perfect,  there is no room for acceptance of a bit of imperfections, a bit of compromise. I remember another thread here about how athletic and well built a woman/man should be to be accepted as a partner. If you have a whole CV in your mind for your possible partner then it will make it very difficult to find anyone as we all live with our imperfections and would like to be accepted with it.

Good point Mona.

From an NVC standpoint, there is a number of universal needs a fuck buddy is very unlikely to fulfil such as companionship, affection, closeness, love, stability, support, etc...

But the whole point of the F B is that one is NOT expecting those things.If one had/ were looking for those,it would be a conventional relationship,wouldn't it?

Anyone hoping to find such things would not involve themselves in a FB set up.

And many of those things you list can also be found in close friendships,male or female,without sex being involved.

None of us will escape the ‘bondage’ of physical functions and requirements, one way or the other, but the good news is that we can choose our own.

But instead of a choice between the poison and the sword in the absence of the right partner, I would agree with the defenders of friendship. Friendship and companionship are so valuable and precious and can be enjoyed without all the above mentioned dangers and drawbacks of placeholders.

If any of these needs is not fulfilled, one will keep looking for ways to fulfil them. So if the fuck buddy is the only person around, there are chances for attachment and confusion and sadness...

Yes, there are luckily different strategies to fulfil a need and everyone can find their own.

So a FB offers just sex? Because if it's "friends with benefits" then the friend part offers more than sex and of course expectations will rise and attachment will grow. If it's just a FB, then one should just pay for sex, there is little chance of getting attached and you can change as you wish. 

Once a young lady got vocal  
stirred up a great fuss on glocals
She posted on forums
Which relieves the boredom
But ended in bed with some men

Mmm,rhyming could be improved.

And it's almost true - except this contributor is in bed......with antibiotics

It could be worse:

The lady who made the complaint
she was looking for men not constraint
Had looked for it here
And tried it on there
Then fallen in love with a dolt

I am not aware of any package offer with the label Fuck Buddy on it... As in any kind of relationship, its nature depends on each stakeholder.

However, the wording FB or FwB does imply several things:

1) a repetition or a regularity

2) no strings attached (which sounds like a no-love promise / commitment where lies the risk since there's no garantee - hence the if-you-love-me-you're-screwed, ie. no responsibility taken.)

As for the rest, everyone can write their own story... I'm personally no moral keeper... as long as it's between consenting adults.

I think I forgot a 3rd point:

3) clarity: each stakeholder is supposed to be clear and not lie on their intentions.

Get better soon Buzzz so that you can dump your unsexy antibiotics friends...  

As for me, time-out! I think I said everything I wanted to say on the topic.

No no no,please let me be shallow and simplistic if I want to! 

No need to be sorry about anything  - am not joking here - but maybe it just means one should not assume things about people.

Okey dokey