So Oded, I dug my email and found some!

Here you go...Enjoy!!!

One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb. They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb." The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd. She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?" The blonde responded: "November?" "Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?" The blonde responded: "Paris?" So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?" The blonde replied: "Two?" "Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.

One woman stops a taxi. To the airport, please. After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says: You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today. Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant. Well, you haven't arrived to the airport yet neither.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies. "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher. Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off." "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds. "Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.' She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything. The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream." "That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh." "That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?" The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch." The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!" The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?" The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement. They called in her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

What have wives and hurricanes got in common?

When they arrive they are warm and wet, and when they leave they take your house and car.....

Okay - the women need to fight back on this one!  (funny as all the other posts are!). 

A woman's walking the woods one day (husband out playing golf, so v. boredand v. peed off) and comes across the genie's lamp.  Rubs it - out pops the genie and says "I can grant you three wishes" "Whoo Hoo" cries the golf widow.  "BUT, says the genie, be careful what you wish for, because whatever you wish for, your husband will receive ten-fold".

So she thinks about it for a while and says "Okay - I want to be the richest woman in the world".  The genie says "are you sure, because that would make your husband ten times richer than you".  The woman says "Fine, we're heading for divorce with all that golf he plays, so I'm getting half anyways".

Kazzam!! - the genie makes her the richest woman in the world and, ergo, makes her husband ten times richer.

"For my second wish - I would like to be the most beautiful woman in the world".  The genie says "Are you sure, because that would make your husband ten times more beautiful than you".  The woman says "Fine, he think's he's God gift already, so it won't make any difference".

Kazzam!! - the genie makes her the most beautiful woman in the world, and ergo, makes her husband ten times more beautiful.

Then the genie says "okay - you have one more wish - use it wisely, because remember the golden rule - whatever you wish for, your husband will receive ten-fold".

The woman thinks long and hard and eventually says "you know what, I think I'd like a very mild heart attack....."

2 men walking home from a party decide to take a shortcut through the graveyard.
Halfway through, they are startled to hear a tap-tapping noise from misty shadows. Shaking with fear, they're relieved to find an old man with a chisel, chipping at one of the headstones.
"You scared us half to death, mate" said one of the men. "We thought u were a ghost.What are u doing here so late at night?"
"The fools!" the old man grumbled. "They spelt my name wrong."

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently
married couple's house.
She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house.
She saw her daughter-in law standing naked by the
door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work."
the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him
happy and it makes me happy.
I would appreciate it if you would leave because he
will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk
and left. On the way home she thought about the love
dress. When she got home she got undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the
front door. Finally her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing!"

Little Red Riding Hood was walking
through the woods when suddenly the Big
Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a
tree and holding a machete to her throat,
said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood pulled out
a 44 magnum, and pointed it at the
wolf and said, "No, you're going to eat me like it
says in the book"

a middle aged couple were lamenting on how difficult these economic times were. the husband said, "listen, i go to work every morning and come home every evening absolutely dead tired, while you just sit at home, doing your nails and eating chocolates. why don't you go out and earn some money too."

so the wife gets all dressed up with all her best clothes and expensive make up. goes out at 8pm and comes home totally shattered at 5am.

"where have you been all this time" her husband asks.

"why i've been out workin honey"

"really, how much did you make"

"why, i earned 400 dollars and 50 cents"

"wow, but who gave you 50 cents"

"well, everybody"

Two men go camping

For the night they both sleep in the same tent.

one guys wakes up during the night and see's the tent moving and shaking. He ask's  his friend:

What are you doing?

the guy says.   i'm Wanking

the other guy says:

well cant you hold your own dick then.

Some great one-liners:

1. This cake is so good... it's like sex, except I'm having it.

2. Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS's is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders.

3. I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.

4. #1 pickup line of all time: "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

5. His vocabulary was as bad as like whatever.

6. If feminists hate men so much, why do they try to look like them?

Funny Q&A type jokes:

Q: What's the difference between a nun praying and a nun taking a bath?
A: One has hope in her soul...

Q: What's round and dangerous?
A: A vicious circle.

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.

Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a slut?
A. A slut sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Is it in?"

Q. The three words most hated by women during sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"

Q: Why did the drunk Canadian have a shoe on his penis?
A: He was just fucking about.

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor first putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

In my view, when men (or women) choose to tell jokes other than dirty ones, this renders them more attractive and trustworthy.

The forest is at war. In spite of protests from the animal student community, the government implements a conscription policy. There is much reluctance and animals do anything possible to be absolved from service.

Rabbit, clever as he is, plugs his ear with mud and heads to the doctor. Two minutes later he comes out with a note absolving him from service: there's no place for a half deaf rabbit in the animal army!

On his way, he meets Turtle with his conscription notice. "We could chip a bit off your shell" says helpful rabbit, "what would they want with a turtle with a broken shell?!" So with a tin opener, they clip an edge off Turtle's shell and he heads to the doctor. Success: five minutes later, Turtle walks out with a medical certificate -no military service for him either.

Together, Rabbit and Turtle wander through the forest where they bump into Bear. "Why the glum face Bear" asks Turtle. Bear explains that he's been conscripted too. "Well of course, you have big claws and sharp teeth, that's why they want you in the army" points out Rabbit. "If we got rid of those, I'm sure you'd be absolved as well". Bear agrees, anything's better than the army. He lies down and Rabbit and Turtle bash out his teeth and destroy his claws with rocks and logs and anything they can find. Poor bear, bleeding from his mouth and limbs, limps to the doctors hut. Two minutes later he comes out again. "Did it work? Did you get the medical certificate?" ask Turtle and Rabbit, eagerly.

"Yes", says Bear, "I'm too fat".

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!

If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"

There were two statues (a male and a female) in a park.  They'd been there so long looking at each other from either side of the fountain that God took pity on them and gave them an hour to be alive.

Immediately they went into the bushes together.  From the bushes came Ooos and Ahhhs and lots of heavy breathing.

When they came out they were looking very very dishevelled but happy.  God saw how pleased they were and told them that they could have one more hour alive.

Then one of the statues turned to the other and said, "Great this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on his head".

That obviously qualifies me as ugly and not trustworthy!

what is the difference between a prostitute and a rooster?

the rooster says "cock a doodle do"

the prostitute says "any cock ´ll do "

A man is walking on a beach in California, when he stubs his toe on something hard. Looking down he sees something glistening in the sand, and after some digging he unearths an old lamp. He gives it a quick rub and suddenly out pops a Genie.
"Master", the Genie says,"For rescuing me from a life of misery in this lamp I will grant you I wish. Anything that you desire."

The man thinks for a bit, then says: " Ok, across the Pacific Ocean is the island of Hawaii. I was born there and alsways wanted to return to my birthplace, but sadly I have a morbid phobia of flying, and also suffer from very bad seasickness, so I have never gone back there. So I would like you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii,so I can drive  there in my car."
At this the Genie gets very angry."A bridge to Hawaii across 3000 miles of ocean, over depths  reaching 7000m? Don't be ridiculous. Think of the impossibility of the engineering, the unimaginable amounts of steel, concrete and cabling. Please give me a more realistic wish."

The man thinks again the says:" I have been married and divorced 4 times. My first wife said I was too cold and aloof. My second said I was too emotional. My third said I talked too much, and my  fourth said I was too silent.All very perplexing, so for my wish I would like to be able to understand women."

The Genie looks the man in the eye and says.............
"That bridge to Hawaii. Do you want 2 lanes or 4?"

Not a joke Oded, but screamingly funny anyway

 If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a
 tray, because you are dead! Always wear clean underwear in public,
 especially when working under your vehicle.
 From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
 couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
 Down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
 shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
 The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
 closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
 chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned
 private parts into glari ngly public ones. Unable to stand the
 embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up
 His shorts, and tucked everything back out of site.
 On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself
 staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however,
 had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Sent to us by an Anglican vicar's widow!!! enjoy it.

Let's say I appreciate subtlety and gentlemanly behaviour.

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15... but PLEASE carry on'

A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the f&%# do you think?"

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

'Did you get that for your birthday?' asked Little Johnny.

'Nope,' replied Jimmy.

'Well, did you get it for Christmas then?'

Again Jimmy says, 'Nope.'

'You didn't steal it, did you?' asks Little Johnny.

'No,' said Jimmy. 'I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, 'What do you want now?'

'I wanna watch,' Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, 'Fine. Stand in the corner, but keep quiet.'

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own F&$%ING business."

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

Since we're doing dirty jokes:

A man and a woman are having sex in a dark forest.

After 10 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!".

The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

CANADIAN ART

An older couple at an art exhibition were staring at a painting that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. They asked the curator of the gallery for an interpretation. He explained how it represented the sexual emasculation of African-Canadians in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".
After the curator left, a man with a noticeable maritime accent approached the couple and said, "Would yous' like to know what the painting is really all about?" The couple looked at the man with some degree of suspicion....
"How and why" asked the couple, "could you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of this gallery?"
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African-Canadians shown here at all. They're just three Cape Breton coal miners waiting for their afternoon shift to begin. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the heck am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, then examined it and the car. "It's been a long day and it's the end of my shift," he said. "I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thought for a second and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

During a recent password audit in a major corporation, or more likely a bank, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyBern
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.

Billy died... His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jan.

"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jan, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Joyce .. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jan exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue.

The whiskey, wine, and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Jan computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My Goodness, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

BUT THERE ARE BLOND MEN AS WELL

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said; "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican guy opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican guy opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch! ".

Here are a bunch of One-Liners, no not bin-liners.  Enjoy . . .

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to sit on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!

HUSBAND MOURNS 20-YEAR ANNIVERSARY

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched by his memory. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years'?"

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!

Some great stuff here! Let's try a math one for change.

Two professors are having a conversation in a cafe, talking about how they see the state of education today. One was optimistic and said many people learn math well enough in school despite what many think. His friend was more pessimistic and claimed young people can't do even simple math. Before continuing, however, his friend excused himself to use the toilet.

Deciding to prove his point with a prank, he called the waitress over to ask her to help out with a small favor and said:

"I'm going to ask you something in a few moments when my friend comes back. When I do, could you reply to me 'one third x cubed'?"

'One th... thu... what was it?'

'One third x cubed.'

"One... thur... x?... cu...bed?"

Hoping that she could pull it off, he thanked her and waited for his friend to come back and resumed their conversation. With confidence, he continued:

"People know more math than you think. Hey, how about a bet? I'll bet you 20 francs that I can pick out a random person and ask them to, say, calculate an integral or something."

Believing this would be an easy 20 francs, his friend accepted the bet. It was then time to try it out.

"Ok, how about... see that waitress? Let's ask her over. Waitress, could we ask for a favor?" he shouted to the waitress from before.

"We have this little bet going. Can you tell us what is the integral of x squared?" he asked.

"One third x cubed", she replied correctly. As she did, his friend was amazed. Recognizing his defeat, he handed over 20 francs as the waitress started walking away. As she did, however, she turned back once more and added:

"... plus a constant!"

I went to Geneva zoo a couple of weeks ago and the only animal they had was one lonely dog

.

.

.

it was a shih tzu

Some one liners:

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: How does a New-Zealander find a sheep in tall grass? 
A: Very satisfying.

Alert - the next one is dirty:

Q: What is 6.9 ?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period

Alert: dirty stuff!!!

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Warning: sexist visual. 

I tried to also find one making fun of men, just to be balanced, but couldn't find any! So ladies, it's up to you to equalize here...

Hey, Nir, ever heard the one about the bear?!

You might not have known this but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female!

Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

 ?They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Had real fun going thru these...... this is my 2 pence :) http://avishekfavourites.blogspot.com/

Ok Nir:

As God invented the men, she just practised 

How To Phone Sex A Telemarketer

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Bob was going out with Wendy and he loved her so much that he wanted to get her name tattooed on his penis. When it was erect it spelled "Wendy" but when limp it said "W Y". After their wedding day they went to Jamaica for their honeymoon.

One day they went to the beach and Bob went to the public restroom. At the urinal next to him was this tall Jamaican man. Bob looked over the urinal divider, noticed the letters "W Y" on the Jamaican's unerect penis and he asked him, "Oh, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?"

The big Jamaican man looked at him and said, "No, man! Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day!'"

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Ans: TWO

But the real question is how did the flies get INSIDE the lightbulb?

Jones the Post is retiring after 20 years delivering mail in the Welsh valleys. Come the big day, he from goes house to house and at each he is given small gifts to mark the occasion.

Mrs Rees gives him a pair of hand knitted socks. Mrs Davies gives him a woolly folk singer's jumper.

When he gets to Mrs Evans house, she meets him at the door in a black negligée and drags him up stairs to the bedroom

There follows a couple of hours of wild passionate sex and, when Jones the Post is exhausted, Mrs Evans brings him downstairs and cooks him a slap-up breakfast. There's fried eggs, bacon, sausages, beans, mushrooms the works. Then she rounds it off with a big mug of tea, toast and marmalade.

Finally, as Jones the Post gets ready to leave, she slips him a crisp £5 note.

Jones the Post is amazed. "What gave you the idea for all this?" he asks. "I was only expecting a pair of socks or something like that."

"Well," she says, "It was my husband's suggestion. I explained what the other wives were up to and he said 'Aw, fuck him. Give him a fiver and send him on his way.' So I did. The breakfast was my idea."

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either!"

Any Birdwatchers Out there

Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them. One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?"
The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!"

The Vancouver Winter Olympics are Soon Starting:

OLYMPIC SEX
A man went over to his girls place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets (in between races). He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come second for once!"

WHY MEN ARE COOLER THAN WOMEN

1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
3) You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
4) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or
she can still be your friend.
5) Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
6) Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
7) Same work, more pay.
8) Grey hair and wrinkles only add character.
9) Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75.
10) If another guy shows up at a party in the same
outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
11) You are not expected to know the names of more than
five colors.
12) The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
13) Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25
relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Sorry, this is a long one but only if you think you are smarter than the rest . .

The Shepherd

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the car window and asks the shepherd,
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer and hooks it to his AT&T cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.

He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says,
"You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew and to a question I never asked; and what's more you don't know crap about my business."

After a short pause the shepherd says to the young man "Now give me back my dog."

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.'

Not a joke but a prank from a student to his physics teacher... (for the ones who missed it a few months ago...)

Here is his essay:

Never has a man influenced physics so profoundly as Niels Bohr in the early 1900’s.
Going back to this time period, little was known about atomic structure; Bohr set out
To end the obscurity of physics. However, things didn’t come easy for Bohr. He had to
Give up most of his life for physics and research of many hypothesis. But, this is why
You and I have even heard of the quantum theory and atomic structures. Bohr came
Up with his quantum theory while studying at Cambridge. Bohr was a skeptic and he
never truly believed in Max Planck’s old quantum theory. He put forth the idea that,
going from one high-energy orbit to a lower one, an electron could, in fact, be trying
to emit a quantum of discrete energy. Bohr was criticized for this idea, but he didn’t
let up. Soon after, Bohr said his famed quote, ‘’If quantum mechanics hasn’t shocked
you, you haven’t understood it yet.’’ This quote is extremely famous and has gone
down as the motto for quantum physicist’s around the world. Understandably, Bohr
never won a Nobel price outside of physics (of which he only won one). Bohr’s still
going strong with his theories on atomic structure; he allowed for 100’s of scientists
to fully experiment with the cell and its many components. Bohr was largely on the
run from the Nazi’s when he came up with this discovery, which is amazing because
around this time, Bohr’s home country of Denmark was invaded by the Nazi’s. Bohr
and Ernest Rutherford are given credit, but it is believed that Rutherford decided to
desert Bohr in the middle of their work. Rutherford once, quite famously said that
you should never bet against the wonders of science. Niels Bohr’s famous career
never really kicked off until he was forty years old. Most other major scientists were
going all on to improve and update the atomic theory. Although scientists clearly want
to improve on Bohr’s theory, many famous physicists come out publicly and openly
say that Bohr’s ideas will never be improved upon, today's society cannot say
goodbye to an opportunity to improve our understanding of the sciences. If Bohr
never had silenced his critics, we would still be following Planck’s theories, and
going on incomplete information. Bohr’s later life was all occupied when he decided
to go back to Denmark and head the royal Danish academy. His main goal was to
tell the world of the greatness of the Danish sciences and most likely educate
a new crop of scientists for years to come. There is controversy surrounding Bohr’s
lie during his stint in the Manhattan project. Though he claimed to be anti-violence
and a peace-seeker, Bohr engineered on the Manhattan project. Though he didn’t
hurt anyone directly, thousands of people died. Niels Bohr opened many doors for
you and I in the physics world, he will go down as one of the greatest Physicists.

not a joke also, but sooo funny – "the diry birdy".

from tv's "mock the week" secnes we will never see in the cinema:

trailer voice over:

" I only said to blow the bloody doors off" ( michael caine in "the italian job" )

Now in cinemas......." The Oskar Pistorious story"

Q: what's the difference between a rooster and a whore?

A: the rooster says "cock-a-doodle-do", the whore says "any cock'll do"