JOHN CLEESE'S ADDRESS TO THE US CITIZENS

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting
Kansas, which she does not fancy)

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.

Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters and the suffix ize will be
replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise yourvocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English.We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many
lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be
independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult
enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore,
you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous
than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this
is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate
effect.

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and
without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you
have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are
thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as Good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience
akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
nancyAug 21, 2006 @ 13:07