A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'





The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'



The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.



He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,



'Did you see me rob this bank?'



The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'
Casuistik, Jul 21, 2008 @ 21:41

there are 3 tomatoes sitting in a bar, which one is the cowboy?

None of them - they're all redskins!
debsdelights, Jul 22, 2008 @ 01:39

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked



"Is my time up?"



God said, "No, you have another 23 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."



Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth.



Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.



While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.



Arriving in front of God, she demanded,



"I thought you said I had another 23 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"



God replied: "Sorry, I didn't bloody recognize you."
Casuistik, Jul 23, 2008 @ 15:09

A labrador went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "then the telegram would make no sense at all."
Nir Ofek, Jul 23, 2008 @ 15:48

A man and a friend are playing golf at their local golf course.

In the middle of the game, one of the guys sees a funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops, takes off his golf cap, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Nir Ofek, Jul 23, 2008 @ 15:51

is it me... :ermm: or are these jokes predominantly poking at women?? :crazy:
YouMeCo, Jul 23, 2008 @ 17:40

YouMeCo, this might balance things off.







Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

*

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

*

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

*

I thought...

*

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

*

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

*

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way

'Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

*

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'

*

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

*

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do We ?'

*

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'*



*

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

*

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,

all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

*

*

And I just sat there...

*

*

*

On the couch...

*

*

*

Naked.
Verbier, Jul 23, 2008 @ 17:47

>>>>>>is it me... :ermm: or are these jokes predominantly poking at women?? :crazy:



Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the public bath house.



The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you. I saw her the other night and she was out with another man."



Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information. "It is as I said, Hirokosan, and she is doing it with a foreigner who appears to be of the Jewish faith."



Shocked, Hirokosan goes home to confront his wife. He faces her and says, "I am told that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith".



She replies, "That's a lie! Where did you hear such meshuga?"
Casuistik, Jul 23, 2008 @ 18:00

Youme: so here's one about men...

A man says to his man friend:

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. 
Not screaming in terror like his passengers. "
Nir Ofek, Jul 23, 2008 @ 18:08

Casuistik :D  this is funny, not because of the joke, or it's ending.. but because somewhere along the way it's been lost in translation!!! cuz 'HIROKO'san is a girl's name.  :laugh:
YouMeCo, Jul 23, 2008 @ 18:50

A Woman's Prayer............

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his behavior.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.
colorado, Jul 23, 2008 @ 18:54

Damn! I should have known; I even met one...:angry:
Casuistik, Jul 23, 2008 @ 18:56

 

This one is very good :D
SE1972, Jul 23, 2008 @ 19:31

Nir Ofek, Jul 23, 2008 @ 19:34

This one's really good!
san_yoohoo, Jul 23, 2008 @ 23:37

Well the Coke-joke is good too, but this is the joke I meant.
san_yoohoo, Jul 23, 2008 @ 23:43

...well the quoting thing doesn't work...so this = the previous joke...
san_yoohoo, Jul 23, 2008 @ 23:46

X-files

In a hospital, on the intensive care service, there would die a patient every Sunday at 11 o'clock in the same bed, no matter how good or bad his health condition was.

The doctors got all upset, couldn't figure out what the death causes were as the patients had all different problems.

Some of the doctors started even thinking that there was some supernatural power in that special room.

So one Sunday, they decided to track the problem and gathered few minutes before 11 o'clock.

All specilalities were represented. Some doctors came with Bibles, some of them took garlic to protect themselves of the evil.

So when the clock turned 11, the cleaning woman entered the room who'd regularely take care of it every Sunday.

She turned of the system that held the patient alive and pluged in the vacuuming machine!

.....so there's was the mystery resolved...
san_yoohoo, Jul 24, 2008 @ 00:38

Whats the first sign of madness?





Suggs walking up your driveway





What's the fastest thing on dry land?



Stevie Wonder's speedboat

(bad taste? probably. ah well)







Did you hear about the magic tractor?





It turned into a field
chavyboy, Jul 24, 2008 @ 13:28

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.



Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.



Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.



Bobby, like many Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500?



Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.



The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:



1. 'First', Bobby said, 'I'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips.'

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.



2. 'Second', he said, 'Ye can't ever tell anybody about this.'

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.



3. 'Third', Bobby said, 'I want all the kids raised as Rangers fans.' Once again it was agreed.



4. 'And last of all', Bobby stated, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the £500'
chavyboy, Jul 24, 2008 @ 13:34

Chavy: the Gorilla one is good, but you can see the punchline it coming half way throgh the joke...

Here's another one for you:

 A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”  

Nir Ofek, Jul 24, 2008 @ 14:13

AUSSIE ARMY



Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.



(For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)



Dear Mum & Dad,



I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!



At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!



This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!



Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.



Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.



I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.



Your loving daughter,



Sheila
Casuistik, Jul 24, 2008 @ 16:01

FOR THE GLOCALS OVER 50 (OR APPROACHING)



Some of us who are over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We’re unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.



Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:



1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo’s and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist

11. Bikinis and liver spots

12. Short shorts and varicose veins

13. Inline skates and a walker

And the ultimate ‘Bad Taste’ in fashion! for the ‘Older folks’…………………

14. Thongs and Depends



Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
Verbier, Jul 24, 2008 @ 18:41

What can we say, when she was 20 she was hot hot hot:cool:



It it rough when the sagging covers up some of the tats:hehe:
Verbier, Jul 24, 2008 @ 19:07

Desi: you inspired me to go with a visual one...here it is:

Nir Ofek, Jul 25, 2008 @ 14:31

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said,



"It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."



Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?"



So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.



A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said,



"Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."



And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."



And Adam said, "What is a caress'?



So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.



Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said,



"Lord that was even better than the kiss."



And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam.



And now I want you to make love to Eve."



And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"'



So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.



And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?"











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The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail.







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irish_eyes, Jul 25, 2008 @ 16:36