For a full on boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, it is very difficult. Especially if the relationship is not already very well established before the distance becomes a factor.

If the relationship is one that is understood to ebb and flow with each reunion and departure, then it could work.

No matter what the relationship, there will be opportunities that come along that cause each person to evaluate their commitment to the relationship.

In the bf/gf relationship, curiosity, desire, resentment, loneliness, and other factors may be enough to lead one to stray or just quit the relationship. It's also possible that both will remain committed to the relationship.

In the "platinum friends" relationship, these same factors can be addressed in accordance with the understanding of both people while maintaining the relationship. If one or both persons are jealous, then this probably won't work either.

I neither encourage nor discourage either type of long-distance relationship; but if one enters such a relationship, it should be with reasonable expectations and a common understanding of those expectations.

Then again, the same things can happen in a local relationship or even when living together.

Double_D, Jan 23, 2006 @ 03:00

When you start a relationship, whether it's in the same city or long-distance, you need to be able to spend time with each other to form the basis for a relationship.

My boyfriend and I were long distance for a year, but we had a foundation from a few months of living in the same place before we had to go the long distance route. Even with that foundation, it was a really tough year. I can't imagine starting a relationship based on just a couple of days together. You simply need more time than that to figure out if you want to put in the effort -- because long distance is a LOT of effort.

PS -- we're now here together and loving it! :)
tiffany, Jan 23, 2006 @ 13:18

My x and i had a long distance rela (well, a 2 hr plane ride is not really that long distance i know but still, it's u need a passport...) and we were super happy for about a year or so...weekends together, fone calls, emails, the works!

Then we moved to Geneva and started living together...and the sh*t hit the fan. It was over in less than 6 months.

Moral of the Story...Sometimes, long distance is better, esp if u're not really ready for anything else. Sometimes, it doesnt always work out the way u want it to. Sometimes, bad things happen to nice ppl...and sometimes, its the other way around!
Tigger, Jan 23, 2006 @ 13:42

... and I kind of agree with you ... a lot is based on common understading and expectation from both sides...but again, my big question is: when is it worth giving it a try and when is not?

Most of the time it doesn't work ...but is there a general rule out there?

Val
Hoiling, Jan 23, 2006 @ 15:01

is important to get to know the other person, thou time can be also a relative concept. What I mean is that indeed, u need some time to know who u are with before starting something, but how much time is "enough" time?few month? few years? few weeks? few months knowing each other from a distance?

I personally thing that long distance relationship don't work, for way too many reason (with exception of course) ... but I don;t really beleive in the "time" concept :)

Val
Hoiling, Jan 23, 2006 @ 15:07

...the value of slowing down and getting to know each other before heading off in separate directions to lead separate lives.
tiffany, Jan 23, 2006 @ 17:57

sometimes time is just overexestimated. My ex left me after 1 year we were togheter because he was going back to Germany (and it's a 1h flight) ... and we had our time to slow down and get to know each other, and things were working fine.
So ... yes I agree that time is important to get to know someone, thou sometimes if u have the right feeling, giving it a try after few months of knowing each other is better then waiting 1 year and ending up with nothing. (now ... on my personal experience I have to say that he was not the right man at all ... but still ...) ...

Val
Hoiling, Jan 23, 2006 @ 18:38

I've been in two long distance relationships. One where I knew the girl and it was a reconnection after many years. The other where I left a girlfriend to go to England. Both failed, but that doesn't mean it can't work.

What I'd say is that there has to be an end in sight, where it's not an unknown how much longer it will be long distance. Otherwise, I'd say the odds are a lot less likely it will work. More than a year I think is pushing boundaries (although I've known others that lasted much longer that ended up crashing). Anyway, Val from your story it sounds like your girl was duped a bit. But I agree that it's hard starting something from long distance to begin with.

Ciao,
R
pntbreakrick, Jan 23, 2006 @ 23:03

I think long distance relationship are mostly bound to fail:-( Sad I know but closer to reality than the fairy tales. This is not only from experience but also by looking around.
I beleive it could work if you know each before and spend time together before it becomes a long distance relationship. But even in that case you need to know clearly for how long it will be. A long period seems to be likely to make it fail.
Not everything is black and looking at the bright side of things it does work for a few people. I know someone who has been with the same girl for 10 years and they have never lived in the same town (closest was 1h flight!) and they are married and still together...

So you never know until you try it :-) but don't forget to call it quit if it does not work ;)
Romy, Jan 24, 2006 @ 23:04

is the advice I gave my friend too.sometimes is the only wise thing to do. Although it might hurt at least everyone can go on with the life in their own town and if they really can't live without each other ... then either one or the other will move. If not, that means it was not so important to begin with.
I guess long distance works only when there's a lot of motivation behind it and a good logical reason!

Val
Hoiling, Jan 25, 2006 @ 01:41

I think the wisest 2cents has been given by ElGuiri:
You cannot say you are in a relation after 4 days! And the mistake is to feel it! You are going out with somebody you just met! What's the problem if he/she cheats on you or flirts around when you are not around? exclusivity has a sense when you are building something solid, not when you are going out with somebody you just met. My guess is that the boy of your friend met somebody else after dreaming for months to be with your friend. And quit her because they built the relation in a way that he could not keep it going with her while going out with somebody else.
Everybody, by now, knows my story: I met Sari in 1993. (F**K! I'm old!) We went out together without formalising anything -as an adventure (what else should it be in your early 20s?)- for a month, then she left for Spain and we didn't meet for six months. We had agreed that exclusivity (faithfulness) didn't have any sense (before knowing if it was going to last)and we both could have our adventures aside. When we met again we decided (we didn't accept it as a given assumption) together to become faithful one another and we met a total of three or four times in the following year and a half. Twelve years later we are happily married, in love with each other more than ever (isn't it Sari? ;-) we are waiting for our third child...
It worked because we took our time for making our relation grow mature, and we made our efforts when we knew (not just wished) it was worth living it like this and not in a less committing way! And we built it solid: after living together for nearly five years we again lived in different countries for another three years. Not only it worked again, but we never question if it would!
Maybe if your friend and her boy didn't take it this seriously they would still be on their way towards a "happily ever after" without still knowing it.
Stef__Granny, Jan 25, 2006 @ 16:25

one of the best piece of advice I'll pass to my friend.
I totally agree with you, and beleive it or not ... this friend of mine was quite shocked to hear the words "I don't do long distance relationships" ... cause, well to our mutual understanding (mine and of my friend..) it was not a relationship ... yet.
I think your hipothesys could work pretty well... meaning that one out of the 2 wanted something more serious but without foundation it couldn't last. And dreaming about something for months ... well ... doesn't exactly help I guess.
Funny thing is that these words and thoughts (thinking about a relationship) came from a man ... I would have never thought that possible ... :) (cinic me)
Again - granny u are SO wise! (almost always!!!)

Val

Hoiling, Jan 25, 2006 @ 18:44