If Tommy Cooper were alive today........

 I met this bloke with a didgeridoo & he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, “That’s Aboriginal."

This lorry of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "tenpin?"I said " no permanent."

I went to a pet shop. I said, "can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said "do you wand an aquarium?" I said "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre & I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the video shop & I said " can I borrow Batman Forever?." He said " no you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

I went to buy a watch , & the man in the shop said "Analogue."I said "no just a watch."

I went to a shop & said "Can someone sell me a kettle?" The bloke said “Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctors. I said to him " I'm frightened of lapels." He said "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The history of glue. I couldn't put it down.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle & there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said “You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said "No this is for the custard."

I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “are you having me on?" I said "Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks into a German car showroom & he say "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" & I went "Moo" He said "You're closest."

I was driving up the motorway & my boss phoned me & told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned again to say I’d been promoted even higher & I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came & asked me what happened. I said "I careered off the road."

I visited the office of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.