Did anybody see an old american film called Deliverance?

I haven’t, and for a good reason, because I’ve heard the stories. The flinch that occurs on a guy’s face anytime the movie is mentioned in polite conversation taught me long ago that it probably wasn’t a movie for me, and it is not likely I will be going out of my way to see it anytime soon.
I feel the same way about US immigration, especially after just returning from a trip to New York. The horror stories continue to make the global rounds with increasing regularity, begging the question… “why do they hate us?” Like a person who’s seen a movie ten times, when I go to America I tend to find myself thinking, “how long will it take this time”, as they bend over to pat my thighs with a snarl and a thick baton.

If you’ve been to America lately you’ll know what I mean. It’s not really the strip searches, barking dogs, obese immigration officers, funny smells or lack of decent interior lighting. It’s the arrogance. It seems that just because you are a foreigner they are doing you a big favour by letting you in for a few days. Some officials must fear every single person that comes through is seeking asylum, trying to escape a horde of Tutsi’s in their own country intent on hacking off a limb. Yet, I venture that this is categorically not so. Many people come simply for the Bagels, apple pie, and the sale at bloomingdales.

It is understandable, even necessary with the events of the last several years, that America’s borders should be on guard. We all should be ever vigilant from the veiled threat of terrorism, lurking just behind the next German tourist. But like the rest of us, they could at least be polite about it in an attempt to keep the moral high ground. Sure, these officials have lots of stress, and they have to deal with many tired travellers upon entry and exit of this great land of opportunity. And they probably don’t get many coffee breaks and have to take their meals from fast food counters and need a raise. This is lamentable. But many of us have stress, need raises and eat from fast food stalls and I don’t see the rest of the population being quite so cranky.

I think it’s a power thing. It is no coincidence that America’s Fastest Growing Company is a maker of airport x-ray machines.

But it starts with the forms. There are many forms you can choose, starting with a DS-156 or DS -157, moving to, I am not kidding an A-1 or A-2, to a G1 through 4 or a NATO -1. Or 2. Or three through seven. And or a Tecro E-1. Figuring out which is which is bad enough, but do not, kind sir, make a mistake on that form, as someone i heard of. The immigration officer asked him if he was retarded. He replied no. The guy narrowly avoided leg shackles and a cavity search for being “insolent” when he implied that the officer might have been a little rude.

In addition to the forms, there are the lines. Why JFK, which sees millions of passengers a year, insists on keeping only half the lanes open during peak times is a mystery to me. especially as it appears to still be a construction zone with stained carpet. These are not the first things a visitor should see when they visit the world’s richest country – lines of unemployment candidates in a sweeping arch of bureaucratic incompetence.

This blatant contempt of those without a blue passport featuring an eagle on the cover hits full stride at the questioning point of the arrivals process. It is here where the full compassionate conservatism of the current US ethos unfurls in a patriotic display of human big-brotherhood. “Where are you from?”, “Why do you speak English so well if you are italian?”, “How long you stay in Manhattan?” “Why are you going there?” “What did you eat for breakfast last Tuesday?” “Have you killed anyone since last entering the United States?” “Give us that chocolate.” It’s not really the questions, it’s the tone.

What’s ironic is that the very people standing in line, being treated like a nuisance by the welcoming faces of America are the same people bankrolling the country. With the dollar dropping and their deficit thing exploding, Americans are honking at the hand that feeds them: without foreign countries and currencies buying dollars, the country would be officially bankrupt, devoid of the thing that keeps the country humming – OPM – other people’s money. Also, the math is simple, 3% of the world’s peoples live inside the United States, while 97% live outside. Being a bit nicer to the other 97% who want to spend money on hot dogs, Abercrombie & Fitch, and generally fill the streets with incomprehensible foreign babble can’t be hurting that account deficit. I can see the PR campaign now, Drop the Debt, Smile at Arrivals. Or not.

Surprisingly, I don’t think most immigration officers are aware of this balance of trade power, and if they were, I’m not sure it would make much difference. Maybe the DOD should e-mark funds for Starbucks to run a training course in customer service, reminding them that every immigration face is an average of $1,500 to the local economy. That would change things a bit. Maybe they could even serve you a frappucino while they frisk you.

For tips on getting through easily the next time you hit the States, check out: http://www.foreignborn.com, unfortunately i only found out about this site only today.
LucaFeb 16, 2006 @ 17:43