Chicken.

Lexi...

Where is my bow tie???

there are lots of differences... this is one... NSFW!!!

I gave it back to you last night, if you lost it after that.. than I cannot help you!

oh ok... dammit  

yeah and as soon as the "ring" is on.... the "extras" stop... sad fact of life.

youre gonna have to trust me on this one.....

This one is a bit ... 

Caution before you watch it =)

Maybe one should just marry the right gal ;-)

women before marriage

cute & fluffy..

After marriage...second picture

Maybe one should go for the right kinda gal...

i would say, same with men!

No with men its different...

1st picture = internet profile picture

2nd picture = what the guy actually looks like when u meet him in person.

Very simple indeed . . .  on the left photo the young lady is wearing shoes, and on the right . . .

An old classic:

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready
for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
Knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their......

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
"What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so......'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
"That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''

I get your point. lol.

This one is better IMO:

Here's a prime example of ' Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'
offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an
actual class assignment:

The professor told his class one day: 'Today we will experiment with a
new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each  person
will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate  right.

As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a
short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph with me in CC. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also  copying me. The first person will then add a third  paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep
the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of  the
e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e- mail.
The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.'

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)  At first, Laurie couldn't
decide which kind of tea she wanted. The  chamomile, which used to be
her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of
Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she
felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His
possessiveness was suffocating, and if she  thought about him too much
her asthma started acting up again. So  chamomile was out of the
question.

(second paragraph by Gary )

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to  think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named  Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. 'A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,' he said into his transgalactic communicator. 'Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...' But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed  out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The  jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across  the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one  woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth  stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of  Skylon 4. 'Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,' Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news  simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,  dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and  carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her  from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around  her. 'Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?' she  pondered wistfully.


( Gary )
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy  peaceniks
who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty  through the
congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the  hostile alien
empires who were determined to destroy the human race.
Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships
were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the
entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

( Gary )

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic
whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
'Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of
F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo  who
reads too many Danielle Steele novels!'

(Rebecca)

As*h@le.

( Gary )

B*tch!

(Rebecca)

F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

( Gary )

In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

Don't take us on a date to the movies =)

This makes it all crystal clear now, thanks Cat.

It's all about the happy ending ;)

I dont care how good she looks, its not worse a $ xx.xxxx  ring.

Sorry typo, "worse" = "worth"

Glad to know you equate a woman's worth with her appearance...  charming

Amen

I agree. It's kinda scary...

Last of the true romantics!

"Romance".... personally I'm a big fan, and I have moments when I can be a hopeless romantic...BUT....

- If you're not romantic women say you're a chauvenist pig and only after them for the sex.

- If you ARE romantic... women say you're being romantic only to get to the sex.

So I think the trick is to just be yourself... whether youre a romantic or not, at least youre being truthful and there will be no suprises. In any case the women will have completely different ideas... as usual.

Cant blame someone for being truthful, whether its a romantic truth or not....

Yes they can.

Romance, an Australian definition;

Romance is an act which develops into a role-play situation that occurs at the beginning of a relationship.  Men, although normally quite keen for role-play and games, unfortunately don’t understand this game and would prefer not to play it at all.  Men may also try to “act dumb” during the initial duration of this game in the futile attempt that they don’t have to play it any more, however “acting dumb” will only result in this outright disqualification from playing the game.

After a few disqualifications, a man will freely admit his lack of knowledge in these situations to his mates at the pub in which a bizarre event occurs.  Somehow, his female friends, who may have been sitting at the other-end of the bar, will begin to demonstrate bionic hearing.  Calling his name and then demonstrating rapid movements (like a pack of cheetahs), the women run over and instruct the man on what he MUST to do.  The females may initially have different ideas from one another, however will quickly come to a decision and create a game plan for the man. The man is given a MISSION and a shopping list and once at the shop will call his female friend/s to pick the color of whatever he has been destined to buy.

Couldn't agree more Charlie.

Honesty is always the best policy, life is way too short to be spending it trying to be something you are not.

Men have persistently had a several-fold higher suicide rate than women. In this study of 204 consecutive suicides, the authors examined three areas in which the men differed from the women. Men used more violent, immediately lethal methods of suicide, were almost three times more likely to be substance abusers, and were more likely to have economic problems as stressors. The authors conclude that while the difference in suicide rate between men and women is complexly determined, the weight of the evidence suggests that more men than women intend to commit suicide.

Relationships
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Handwriting
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Leg Warmers
A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Going Out
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Cats
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring
Ah!, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail etc. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Socks
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.

Eating Out
... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, car windows, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Directions
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

Admitting Mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Plants
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.

Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer.

at ThomasNL

"Bathrooms
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items."

Including toilet paper?

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

THE END

for those that cant read...or just want to see naked people...here it is in video format

A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

lol.. pretty convincing 

I  will remind my friend to take her own supply if she visits  you...(after reading this...)

dont wash your hands on the hand towel... thats prob the best advice...

@ Thomasnl

Most of this post I have laughed liked a drain but this one almost did me physical damage.

"Admitting Mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer."

You have met my partner, however briefly and this statement needs re-writing for her:

Admitting Mistakes
She will always point out your mistakes and blame hers on you (a sudden rewrite of conversations and past history happens frequently in my house)
I keep quiet about my mistakes and hope she doesn't notice so she can cite it for the next 4 years.

As for the suicide rate it's closely related to the following:

Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to...

Comedy Ralphie Mays says a man has two choices..

1. He can be write.

2. He can be happy

Because no woman has ever been wrong and given a blow job at the same time...

Wow.. and right =) is what I meant..

distracted when writing were you ;-) 

"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual 
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only 
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. 
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said 
Softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming 
Or this is going to be my lucky day!" 
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then 
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, 
Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?".......

She explained,... "The egg timer's broken." 

A magazine for all men...

Wonder how many Geneva women would agree with Wendy James?

Such a class song... takes me back... OMG the memories...

...the cold, antiseptic sting of the Swiss franc...

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.” The man says “Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.” Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.” Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.” Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.