as member of all the mentioned groups - sinlge, young professional, expats, party lover .. and since I've been on GOL for quite a while I have some stories to share. Is no mistery that I personally dated for a while someone who's as well on GOL (that will referred from now on as my exbf). We met for the first time during dinner, organized on GOL. We liked each other, met at a couple of other GOL events by chances ... started talking/chatting outside GOL .. ended up togheter. I think that even thou GOL is not a dating site, it's not possible to avoid all possible mutual attraction/connections if/when u meet someone new. And since the whole scope of GOL is meeting new people .. sometimes u 'click' and there's something more.
But I'll never go to a GOL event cause I want to find a date. I am almost 100% that with rare exceptions the other GOLers at the even thinks the same. That I chat with people to meet new friends and not quick dates. What happens next .. who knows :).
So .. i personally block whoever tries to chat me for a quick date, but if I am at a party and someone tries to hit on me ...I won't say NO just because it's a GOLer :)

Vale.
Hoiling, Aug 10, 2006 @ 11:49

Excuse me if I am mistaken but for me dating is a question of MUTUAL attraction between 2 individuals who decide they would like to know more of each other. Where they meet is secondary to that equation, but I seriously doubt it could be from an online conversation here. Of course, a meeting in an 'offline' event is whole another matter. Anyplace where you get a group of people from the oppposite sexes (or the same if that is your inclination) together there is the potential for 'dating' to happen. This is just natural but again it has to be a mutual thing. Otherwise the person would end up on the 'date' with.....themselves.

Speaking for myself (which is the only person I am qualified to speak about), regarding online chatting, I will admit somedays I tend to chat allot....and to be honest foremost, it is to pass the time on some slow days I have at work, and otherwise to talk about an event I was either organising or talk to people I have met in the real world (which generally goes back to my first reason). I am never chatting from my home.

I seriously doubt, and to be honest I don't see how you can or why you would want to get a quick date from online chatting. There is a reason why there are jokes about blind dates...which what a quick date from an online conversation would be (ok not so blind given there is a photo, but between a photo and reality there are differences).

Anyways apologies for writing so much....I should go do some work ;)
SE1972, Aug 10, 2006 @ 13:46

Being the above mentioned exbf, I do agree with what Hoiling said about people meeting by chance and "clicking" by luck. GOL is part of the world, and things that can happen anywhere else can happen here too indeed.

But let's face it:
- some GOLers check regularly the member list for profiles that might be compatible for a relationship, and say it openly
- some GOLers do chat up other members because they find them good looking or "interesting". Not necessarily to get a kick date, but because they are both available, share common interests and want to try if the "clicking" could happen
- many GOLers go and check on GOL the marital status of "that cutie with the red dress at yesterday night party"

All of that is fine to me, and just looks natural and innocent. But
- many girls were chatted up very intensively by many blokes as soon as they posted a nice picture of them, and had to remove it from their profile to stop being harassed
- same thing apply for "single" status, too often misunderstood as "desperately in lust with anyone" by really desperate ones.
- some GOLers join activities mainly because they know that someone they fancy will be there too.
- some people put on their friend list people they don't know, usually good looking or popular ones
- some people use mobile numbers posted online to send numerous unwanted text messages
And worst of all:
- some event organisers apparently select the members not on a "first come first serve" basis but with a "cute single female" filter, and seem to be organising events mostly to collect phone numbers and emails.

Those later attitudes are problematic to me, as they create a suspicious feeling to everyone.
Live exemple: I do personally answer to every chat request from anyone, might it be from a male, a female or a wolf, to give advice or info about sailing, rollerblading, salsa, Switzerland culture, this website or forthcoming events. And it's a great way to meet new friends. But I would never send a chat request to any girl I never met before, because I wouldn't like her to feel harassed or believe I'm trying to chat her up.
Other illustration: I was supposed to go sailing last Tuesday with 3 non GOL local friends, 2 boys and 1 girl. One boy and the girl cancelled, so I invited some GOLers to join. Two girls applied. Fine. Last minute SMS from my male friend "can't make it tonight, sorry". So I post an event for 1 more member, "first come first serve". The first to apply is a girl. Hum, this makes 3 girls I've hardly ever met and me on a boat. How does it look ? "Who owns a boat gets the girls" ? For all that, when a male friend of mine called "may I join tonight", I told him he could, even if the boat was, technically speaking, already full. This mainly because he's a friend and I always do my best to please my friends, but also, to be honest, to avoid giving a wrong "image" to this event.


So, for all that, because some people abuse from GOL friendship and can't resist exploiting the "market" available, some others can't get in touch with some others that might become friends otherwise, or organise activities without taking the gender / marital status and age balance in mind.

I'm not complaining or suggesting any solution here, just facing facts. Hope it can help.
Hobbes, Aug 10, 2006 @ 17:14

The No-Dating (sort of) rule has been stated to keep it a friendly place to meet people and to avoid that cute girls and hot guys (like me for example) are harassed by continuous unpleasant and uncharming mails, posts, comments, etc...
If among the friendly people you get in touch with you find a hot date to heat your bed tonight and/or the charming prince that will make you a mother, you can count on Granny's blessing and I think I can say that Uncles Nir & Wolfie, auntie Iolly and the rest of the family (including Agatha, my sister and me, if you got the citation) will be delighted to hold romantic candles and sing sweet love songs while you enjoy the ride! :-)
What is not welcome is Hunting and stop. That would make (and partly already makes) suspect grow within this community towards any stranger addressing you friendly ("is he trying to hit on me?") and make the whole point of this community void (how is it? "Making Geneva more friendly"?) since the main point of being here is sharing the same wish of enjoying life together, meeting new people, making new friends and respecting each other.
Maybe the anthem should be changed in "This is not a Hunting site?"
Stef__Granny, Aug 10, 2006 @ 19:16

Grany for president !
Hobbes, Aug 10, 2006 @ 19:27

that said, i think that GOL should retain the "this is not a dating site?" communication to avoid more pure hunters joining.

and knowing that some of my (of course 100% platonic) female GOL friends are a bit bothered by those hunters, GOL might want to consider a mechanism to ban them, e.g. after receiving a certain no. of 'flags'.
probably hunting being a rather male thingee (at least i have never been the 'victim' of a girl hunter - wonder why ;-)), this should be for the girls to discuss.

so what do you think?

alex
Quijote, Aug 11, 2006 @ 03:59

fishing for being hunted??

Only jocking. Agree with u and granny!!

Vale
Hoiling, Aug 11, 2006 @ 04:08

i learned pull is better than push ;-)
Quijote, Aug 11, 2006 @ 05:03

I agree with Granny 100% of course, since it's Granny.
If Dating a GOLer would be forbidden I would be already out of the site. There's alreadya sort of mechanism in place to ban hunters: just report them!
Some ppl don't want to do that, cause they are not sure if it's something that can be reported or not, and don't want to cause trouble and have that person kicked out of GOL etc etc etc ... well, then just block them and this will prevent them from chatting u up again). This said .. let's face it some ppl use GOL to find that cutie with the nice dress I saw at the party on saturady, start talking to her and inviting her out. In my personal view the definition of dating or not dating in this case becom unclear ... but again .. we are all adults, and we can all use the 'block' user function!!

Val - Granny's grandaughter!
Alex ... what about the GOL Family Choir? :p
Hoiling, Aug 11, 2006 @ 11:41

I completely agree with all the statements. Dating is a fun experience, sometimes we click with people and it just happens without necessarily feeling like the "hunted" or the "hunter". Maybe I'll be more specific as to what I want to say.

I'll use two personal stories.

This happened a few weeks ago. I saw someone (happened to be a guy) on GOL who I recognized as a friend of a friend. I popped on to say "hi" and he didn't really remember who I was. Now, I'm all about trying new experiences and I'm not too bothered when I get IM from someone I don't know, but honestly I wasn't trying to pick up a hot date. I'm very friendly and perhaps men take this as a sign that i'm in heat. In any case we had a nice conversation about all the people in common that we know and he suggested we meet up if ever we are in town. To make a long story short, a few days later we did end up meeting and I could tell from the look on his face that I wasn't what he expected (he's met me twice before and he didn't remember). Needless to say, he shouldn't have been disappointed because this wasn't a date! Yet it felt like a date! Same thing happened with another guy (don't want to be too specific because don't want to hurt any feelings) who thought we were going on a date and then turned into a real jerk after I had to tell him that I wasn't interested in dating him. He made me feel like I should have known it was date if he asked me out on GOL!

One last thing...

I went to the musical chairs dinner and thought it would be a great way to meet new people. And although there seemed to resound a slight "speed dating" feel about the situation the evening was really lovely...up to the point when a GOL regular who often organizes or helps organize events with the main organizers asked me, "So are there any guys here you think are hot so I can sit you next to them", I managed to stutter out, "err...umm...I,I,I'm not here to date people. "Oh...right," he said, "but seriously, anyone you like?" I felt like I was being interrogated with everyone looking on...(and the whole table WAS looking on) I'm not one to be embarresed so easily but i have to say I was a bit shocked by his behavior.

What do people think?
nancy, Aug 11, 2006 @ 11:49

As for the Jerks u met that thought going out was a date ...
I do fully agree with u that they are jerks, and people shouldn't assume that just because they ask u out on GOL that it's a date. Now being me a girl from the south of Europe ... if I get the 'feeling' that someone is trying to ask me out on a date ( personal note:not that it happens that often!) .. and I don't feel comfortable I invite that person out in a 'group' situation. Same goes for ppl I've talked to online and I want to meet but I also want to avoid them to think that I am in 'heat'.

As for the musical chairs dinner ... I am absolutely 100% sure that ... it was meant as a joke. I am a regular on the site, on GOL evetns and volunteer helping most of the time. And the 'who's hot so we can sit u next :p' .. is a recurrent joke. If it can make u feel less embarassed ... someone that organized this dinner.. during the first one .. took the mic and said something : U'll be sitting at the table with a nice mix of ppl, except for Hoiling that will be sitting with 9 guys as requested :p.
... I took it as a joke cause I know the person ... and ... I am sure that if anyone on GOL makes that kind of comment again, just come up with a wity answer and they'll shut up :p


Hoiling, Aug 11, 2006 @ 12:03

- some GOLers join activities mainly because they know that someone they fancy will be there too.

Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't this the most normal behaviour of all? ok, maybe not for everyone, or maybe some of u already forgot .. but .. in my 20is ... the most common thing of all is the 'who's coming' round of questions, when u go to a party. Especially if u happen to know someone that knows someone that u fancy and want to meet the person, so what's wrong/special/peculiar/GOL typical about that? (Yeah we could all be more direct and text the person: I fancy u , u coming to the party? but that would spoil all the fun !!)

- some people use mobile numbers posted online to send numerous unwanted text messages - never happened to me ...

And worst of all:
- some event organisers apparently select the members not on a "first come first serve" basis but with a "cute single female" filter, and seem to be organising events mostly to collect phone numbers and emails.

I do agree with u and I do get the feeling that some evetns are created and organized this way .. on the other end don't forget the 'rule' of the 50% balance male/female ... so .. if I organize a dinner I'll try to have it balanced .. and that migh clash with the first come first serve .. and make it sound like a dating event...


Hoiling, Aug 11, 2006 @ 12:11

being friendly doesn't mean being EASY at all....most people seem to WANT to get the right message wrong. If we all accept the friendly part...its so much fun & laughter going out with friends or friends of friends. The rest is another story.......cheers
JackieChen, Aug 11, 2006 @ 12:49

gosh so much food for thought. Well done Nancy for prising open the little can of worms.

My general take is that on a community with probably 70 or 80 % single members, people ARE gonna hook up, its life. This is really a question of how much first-contact happens on the site rather more naturally en vrai and that those with a more hunting attitude [which isnt in itself a crime .. not many roses and poems at that foam party by all accounts ] are not permitted to spoil the relaxed friendly on-site ambience with an inappropriate attitude or behaviour.

Concerning Nancy's last observation, I think that of all events .. the musical chairs dinners are put forward as the most 'purely friendly' that are officially organised and thats pretty important when many people will have come alone, be feeling a little nervous, and then are put in such extended and close proximity to new faces. That an organiser makes such a crack 'as a joke' doesnt change the fact that it puts the recipient under pretty unwelcome pressure. Put it this way, if one of the other guests said it they would get a pretty cold response i suspect [ and somewhat ironically, probably a warning from the organisers LOL ].

Second, and I think this was Vales comment: while I dont want to turn this into a defence of my sex [in the english rather than french sense ;-) ] I object to the use of the word jerk. Those guys who aspired to something more date-like may be guilty of being unperceptive and not paying attention to signals [if there were any ..] but that alone doesnt make them a jerk. If as a girl you went on an ambigious 'date' but with some expectations which in the end the guy didnt share, i expect you would very very upset if his attitude was that he thought you were a jerk.

Is it my imagination? Maybe its an americanism but in england its a pretty insulting word, which therefore smacks of arrogance .. unless its truly deserved. Dont get me wrong, im not defending guys who who ignore signals or who are dishonest about their reasons for meeting up, but those things werent mentioned?

Nancy im aware you said something entirely different, which was that he turned into one, after being rejected. Yes, pretty dumb.

Lastly, its seems that that cutie in the little dress last Saturday is going to be real busy handling messages next week .. and I sympathise completely wherever those conversations take a turn which she doesnt welcome. However, everyone deserves one indication that thats the case, dont they ? The use of the block function when the guy probably doesnt even know what he's done wrong seems to me to be downright laziness and actually, rude. I've been in this position and its pretty upsetting.

OK im gonna put my head back down below the parapet now. I hear the sound of cocking machine guns .. and i know where the first shot is coming from ;-)

Phillip
wilycoyote, Aug 11, 2006 @ 18:04

- agree with ur point one .. just one comment .. on the below sentence: .. not many roses and poems at that foam party by all accounts ..
True, but I am also almost 100% sure that noone chatted someone up to invite him/her at the foam party :). We are talking about online hunting, not face to face one that u can reject in a friendly and much more easy way then online unwanted chats ...

- for the musical chair : agree with u, the comment was not 100% politcally correct, but I can assure u that an asnwer like : hey GOL is not a dating site why are u asking me that? in a jocking way would have done the trick. And 'if one of the other guests said it they would get a pretty cold response i suspect'. Yes they would, and it would have been most probabily a joke. Myself I 've posted i don't knwo how many times posts with 'GOL is not a dating site' .. in the title .. mostly as a joke. Unless ppl are really getting annoying ...

- on the use of the word jerk. I don't know how serious as an isult it is in enligh ... but i was referring to the guys nancy met. I think that even if u go on a blind date and the other person is not up to ur expectation u can be nice, polite, and hide ur disappointment without sending the wrong signals, enjoy the evening and maybe make a new friend ... any other less friendly behaviour deserves a negative note (maybe not jerk :) )

Last point on blocking someone. I don't block ppl that tried to chat me up or asking me out politely ... i let them understand that I can't/dont'want/don't share their interest ... and we stay friends. I am talking about stalkers chatting u up with lines like: what are u like in bed? wanna hook up? hey u are a cutie ... and I am for freel love etc etc ... This kind of ppl don't deserve an explanation. Don't deserve to be reported maybe ... so .. i jsut block them.
I'd be upset too if someone would block me after I've been completely polite (maybe hunting, but in a clasy way ..) ...
in the end for me it all depends on how u do it :)

Vale


Hoiling, Aug 11, 2006 @ 19:19

I loved this thread and followed it closely.

Stef (in his reply a few lines down) said it very well. I can just summarise how we see things:
- if 2 people meet via GoL and agree to date, that's great.
- however, we set up GoL for friendly people to meet and help others like them, and not as a hunting ground. So if someone is on GoL, the 'default' assumption is that he/she is friendly and wants to meet new people, but it's NOT that he/she wants a date. This has been working so far (as evident by the fact over 40% of members are married/in a relationship).
- We actively try to exclude from the community hunters who do not take no for a dating answer, or serial daters (99% male) who bombard every female with date requests.

To summarise: GoL is for friendly people to meet and use each others' help. If some folks on the community want to date - great. But that's not the main objective, and this should be respected.
Nir Ofek, Aug 12, 2006 @ 17:52

it's a great idea to get the community itself to monitor itself. We're now in the planning stage of a 'community generated reputation system', that will allow (just like in real life) members to develop, over time, their own reputation based on what they do and how they act.


Nir Ofek, Aug 12, 2006 @ 17:54

Why don't do a test organizing a GOL dating event for those who wants to participate?



zenbrain, Aug 16, 2006 @ 18:26

I've already been starting on such an event. :) Details will come in Fall.
nancy, Aug 17, 2006 @ 14:30

Sorry, I don't fully agree on that. Ok, it's cool to know your friends will be around at a party. It's ever better if that very friendly other person you really appreciate comes along too. But being more childich about it turns into flirting / dating to me. But I'm not in my 20s something anymore ;-)

But moreover, should you register to a parachuting event if you're frightened on a ladder, a sailing event if you're sea sick or a knitting party if you never knitted before, just because He or She will go to ? I don't think so. You would take somebody else's place, that could enjoy it more than you. And this is not a friendly attitude.
Hobbes, Aug 19, 2006 @ 13:11