Jeffrey and I are both on strike

I wouldn't ever try to compete with Jeffery, but a friend has just posted this on Facebook and it made me laugh! (Apologies - it's slightly sexist; no offence meant to anyone!).

I didn't realise you were French Sheila C... he he he

Pleaaaaase...pretty please?

OK guys and girls, here goes..... just a little one {Are you there Jeffrey} until either of us thinks of something more dashing :

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman pinscher.

Oh and puuuhleeeeeeeeze, no-one get offended

Why would someone get offended?? :D

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is

Far from on strike Phoebe..here goes

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your Police-issued Glock and you are an expert shot. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.

What do you do ?

ANSWER:

Australian Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it ?

10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?

11) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?

13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head
and kills himself ?

14) If I shoot and wound him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to
sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?



Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !



American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !





Glasgow Police Officer:

 

"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"

Hmmm... I'm getting hungry...

That's hilarious, I will forward this joke to my Scottish friends !! Thanks Jeffery

Brings new meaning to giving someone beans about something !!

Or spill the beans...

ok my last contribution before i head off for the weekend. enjoy :) 

Not so innocent children? But smart for sure

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-aad....
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT ??
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
'I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water

Expect the same from my girl too!

Thanks G...love it every time I watch it !!

Bad luck Sherila....didn't show for me...........

Jeffrey, Oded, Nir, Ritchie et al

If any of you know just how to transpose enclosures sent to us via an iPad so that I can continue to post these Friday funnies, {I normally cut and paste but this does not seem to work too well} could you please explain in words of one syllable so that the huge blanks in text do not appear? Thanks in advance. This one should have been the wise words of Maxine [again]!

Hi Sheila. I don't think you can cut and paste ( well you have proved it really !!!) if you add by going to the 'add photos' button that should do the trick I think..I haven't done it from an IPad tho so it may be different.  I will try here now

It worked....!!

Hope you are not paying over the odds for that apartment J!

Thanks also for the tip.

I wish !! It's actually the Ritz...

A mother is giving her 5 year old son a bath.

The boy starts to play with his penis and looks at his mother and asks

"Mommy is this my brain?"

The mother responds

"not yet"

Il est midi à la banque. Cette guichetière se trouve face à une longue file de clients mécontents, lassés d'attendre pour pouvoir enfin déposer un chèque, retirer un chéquier, envoyer du courrier ou qui sait quoi.

 C'est alors qu'un client excédé, se taillant un chemin jusqu'au guichet, jette son bordereau sur le comptoir et dit: - "Je dois encaisser ce chèque TOUT DE SUITE !"

 - "Je suis désolée, Monsieur. Je serai heureuse de vous aider tout à l'heure. Je dois d'abord m'occuper des autres clients, mais soyez sûr que votre tour viendra." - répond tranquillement la guichetière.

 Le client ne s'en laisse pas conter. Il crie très fort de manière à ce que tout le monde l'entende : - "EST-CE QUE VOUS SAVEZ QUI JE SUIS ?"

 Alors sans aucune hésitation, la préposée se lève et s'adresse à tous les clients présents: - "Puis-je avoir votre attention s'il vous plaît?"Sa voix résonnant dans tout le bureau.

 Elle continue: "Nous avons au guichet un client qui NE SAIT PLUS QUI IL EST. Si vous êtes en mesure d'aider cette personne à trouver son identité, nous vous prions de bien vouloir l'en informer, merci."

 Alors que toute la file d'attente éclate de rire, le client furibard s'exclame: -"JE T'ENCULE !"

 Sans broncher, la guichetière sourit et dit: -"Je suis désolée, Monsieur, mais pour cela aussi il faut être capable de faire la queue."