Where does Russian milk come from?

Moscows!

This guy drank too much mild

That really is bad...

Wasn't this supposed to be a funnies thread?

A Blonde in a Southern Baptist Church

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
 
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
 
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
 
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

Holly cow ! Always thought russian cows couldn't come from Mosscows as there is always a slippery sign in the pasture fields... because of ice and snow. BTW for whatever is left on ground who would be certain the milk turns green instead of white. Don't we usually hear about Red cows. Oops, got confused .

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No," she replies. . . . ..



"You just happened to catch my eye."

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole, it's three o'clock in the morning!"

Nice one Jeffrey

A blonde walks into a bank in Dublin and asks for the loan officer.

She says she's going to Miami on business for two weeks and needs to borrow € 5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a € 150,000 Mercedes as collateral against a € 5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the € 5,000 and the interest, which comes to € 16.41.

The loan officer  says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow € 5,000?"

The blonde replies...

"Where else in Dublin can I park my car for two weeks for only € 16.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

"Which Bank?" I know now!

All instant replies women use to turn men down:

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi, didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name!?
SHE: Why? don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
A 79-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 79-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.



The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.



'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.



'We even called up Maureen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing ..'



The doctor was shocked!



'You asked your neighbor?'



The old man replied,



'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'